Express-ing my disapproval

Welcome, homepeople of the internets, and it's lovely to see you here again at UOPTA. No, that doesn't stand for, "Untrained Oceanographers Practice Taming Alligators," which I think we all can agree is a good thing. It simply would not end well. Instead, at this UOPTA, I leave large-toothed reptiles to their own devices and choose to write down thoughts and stories for intended reading enjoyment. If that sounds like a plan to you, then you are granted permission to proceed to the next paragraph.

Those of you who know me in person or have read my extensive thoughts on the subject here know that I have a great deal of hatred toward Carl's Jr.'s ad campaigns. And rightfully so, I maintain. My friend Greg thinks it's the stupidest boycott of all time, which makes me wonder if he really knows me at all. In any case, I went to a food court in a mall this week with my co-worker Rob to pick up some lunch. I was tempted by the lady who handed me a piece of teriyaki chicken to sample, but I pressed on until I was stopped by a fresh tray of orange chicken at Panda Express. I know it's not good for me, but it's hard for me to pass that by.

Rob got something from another restaurant, and we headed back to his car with our orders to drive back to the office. On our walk, I said to him, "It's a good thing Panda Express only has one current commercial that pisses me off, because I'd hate to have to extend my boycott to them as well." "Wait, you still watch commercials?" he asked. "Only during live sporting events or if I have ESPN on in the background," I said, which appeased his incredulity. "Oh, I don't think I've seen a Panda commercial. What pisses you off about it?" After about five minutes straight of ranting, he understood my position and I had an idea for a blog post.

Here is the video, and below is a breakdown of why I hate it. (If it's not working, you should be able to open it here.)

0:01-0:06 We start off with a guy in a hat holding some Panda Express food with the restaurant in the background. In a taunting and annoying tone, he says, "Bet you goofy-looking fellas would like to try some of my new Sweet Fire Chicken from Panda Express..." As he speaks, he holds his food out ever-so-slightly to whoever the "goofy-looking fellas" are. So far, he's the only goofy-looking fella we've seen. Then we get a close-up product shot.

0:06-0:10 He finished his sentence: "...with its delicious sweet and fiery sauce." He pushes the food out closer to his subjects, further taunting them. We then see to whom he is speaking: panda bears. Wait a minute, do pandas eat anything but leaves? Wikipedia tells me, "The Giant Panda has a diet which is 99% bamboo." But looky here, the pandas are licking their lips, so clearly they are tempted by the Sweet Fire Chicken. (As an aside, why is 'fiery' spelled that way instead of 'firey'? I don't like that. From now on, it's 'firey' for me. I don't have reason to write it...ever really, but I may make a point of it now to stick it to the man.)

0:10-0:14 He continues his baseless taunt, but in his most annoying voice possible: "But it wasn't made for gentle giants, ha ha, (puts bite in mouth) mmm. Mmm mmm. (Rolls his head back like he can't believe how good it is.)" Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? I get the impression that he bought that food specifically to annoy the panda bears. Imagine you're standing a few feet away from him at the zoo. You look over, and you see a guy talking to the animals in a sort of baby-talk taunt from far away and audibly delighting in how good his food is. How quickly would you keep your children away from him?

0:14-0:18 Apparently this guy really knows how to get pandas' goats, because the "gentle giants" have had enough. (Oh yes, his "gentle" comment earlier was just to set us up to think that they would just sit there and take it. Foolish us.) One of the pandas reaches over to a rock - oh no, is he going to launch it at the man and crush his skull? No, thankfully it's not really a rock at all, but rather a...fake rock with a glowing red button in it? W-w-what? The panda's hand immediately pushes the button on the big, electrical, hinged, fake rock. We get one final close-up of Taunty McGee laughing at the pandas. "Oh, they're so stupid that they let me stand here with food!" he seems to say. Is your disbelief sufficiently suspended? Just wait; it gets even better/worse. A rope comes out of nowhere with a pre-tied loop at its end. Clearly it was summoned by the glowing red button in the fake rock that the panda bear pushed after being taunted by food its species doesn't eat. The rope comes from the viewer's left, but we can't see from where. Somehow - I know not how - the loop gets around the antagonizer's ankle (even though his foot doesn't leave the ground to allow room for it to slide under). We see his face in a close-up again, this time with a warranted look of concern. The magical rope yanks Jerky McJerkface straight up in the air. Yes, straight up, as if it's attached to God's own hand. That must be it, because there's really no other way it could come from its original angle and pull someone straight up while seemingly attached to nothing. So, if I'm getting the story right, these bears created a sophisticated and mechanical rope system to take out an enemy who happens to be standing exactly in that spot? "Ah!" the man says softly. Ah, indeed. In the background, we see the Panda Express restaurant again where Douchey Von Bearteaser must have purchased his head-rollingly good meal. Also in the background: two oblivious people having a chat and ignoring the Rope of God that punishes those who dare draw the ire of the Giant Panda.

0:18-0:21 But wait, there's more! With mediocre special effects, the first panda’s mouth moves to say, “You mess with the pandas,” and then both pandas’ mouths say together, “We bust your chopsticks.” So, um, yeah, they can talk. And when they do, it's in horrendous would-be catchphrases. You know what might've been easier than that elaborate device (which will surely be dismantled after zoo personnel cut that dude down)? "Buddy, you give me that food or so help me I will climb over that wall and rip your arms straight out of their sockets." I'm just sayin', that seems a little more cost-effective. And it's not like they got the food from the guy anyway. They didn't show us, but I'll have to assume that he dropped it during the whole rope encounter. By the way, there's a piece of bamboo sitting in front of them. Where did it come from? Oh yeah, they were each holding bamboo sticks the whole time until one was dropped in favor of a shiny button of doom hidden in a fake rock. But f that s, they want Sweet Fire Chicken.

0:21-0:30 Normal ad copy with close-ups of the food and shots of people preparing it. No problems here. In fact, they do a good job here of making the food look appetizing. I didn't hear any of this the first time I saw the commercial though, because I was busy screaming, "We bust your chopsticks? Are you serious? We bust your chopsticks? What the hell is wrong with them?"

0:30 The screen shows, “Experience Pandamonium.™” Oh, so they have a decent catchphrase after all. Why didn't they use that instead of trying to force a horrible one on us? Are they hoping that with enough catchphrases one will stick and then ABC will greenlight a half-hour comedy about their zany lives at the zoo? "This summer, life's not always the zootopia you thought it was. When the sun goes down, it's a bear-knuckle world out there. (Record scratch! Pandas falling down! A pie in the face!) Tuesdays at 8/7 Central, watch these gentle giants bust people's chopsticks and avoid getting bamboo-zled on the new hit comedy, Pandamonium. Starring the voices of Jim Belushi and Kathy Griffin. It's Ursa Majorly hilarious!" (Oh great, I just did all the work for them.)

So the bottom line is this: I really dislike that Panda Express commercial. I understand that I sometimes take things way more seriously than the originators ever intended, but hey, that's me. If it were just the talking pandas, I'd shake my head and get past it. It's not though, and the combination of (what I find to be) moronic elements is enough for me to single this spot out as horrible. And yet, it would take many more of these commercials to get to the Carl's Jr. level of ad hatred. I hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, then I'm gonna have to just keep on walking past that line to another eating establishment, regardless of how good the orange chicken smells.

And with that, let's take a two-item combo with steamed rice over to the Car Watch.

I saw a plate a little while ago that expressed a sentiment not often seen in that medium: "S8ANIC (Heart)." Whether the heart symbol is in lieu of "heart" or "love" doesn't really change the message, now does it? All I know is that now I have "Dyslexic Heart" by Paul Westerberg in my head. My friend Adam and I used to sing that as "Cixelsyd Traeh," which I now see was pretty insensitive of us (albeit comical).

My favorite brother sent me a plate that confused him: "SENOR EL." "Mr. The? Don't get it," he said. I wish I could help you out, bro. I suppose it could be "Mr. He," which almost sounds like "mystery." Whoa, and this plate's meaning is a mystery. I'm totally freaking out now.

And lastly, my homey Rockabye sent me this license plate: "DENM DR." Ooh, does s/he bedazzle the hell out of jeans or something? Or is it closer to the medical field, sewing and transplanting to make jeans "healthier" instead? Is there a hierarchy amongst denim doctors, where the elite work on $100+ designer ones while others opt to work at a clinic to repair ten year-old Levis? Regardless, I sure hope the driver didn't spend too long in Denim medical school.

That's it for me, friends. I'll be back next Friday with more stuff, but there is plenty to be happy about before then. In fact, today is the busiest birthday day of the year for me in terms of shout-outs. Happy birthday to my Grandma Zelda, loyal UOPTA reader and kick-ass spicy chicken casserole maker Aunt Lynn, and my good friend and former three-time roommate Dave. Happy half-birthday to our good friend Lisa on Monday. Happy full birthday to my friend and former colleague Suzanne on Tuesday. And happy old dating anniversary to my lovely wife on Thursday. Whew. See you next week, everyone.