(Re)tired phrases

Howdy, folks. I just spent a good five minutes sitting here, trying to come up with some pun with "Wednesday" that I haven't already used. I think I'm officially out, because the closest I got was some stupid and contrived bit with "say when" involved.

Speaking of that, can we officially put some things to rest? I know I lack the authority to truly make good on the items I'm about to propose, but please humor me. I'd like to institute a rule that when someone is pouring something and says, "Say when," the response can no longer be, "When." I realize that may have been funny at some point, but it's too standard now. I usually say, "Right after this drink!" a la Rodney Dangerfield in "Back to School." I think my co-worker Rob says, "8:30!" but I don't know what that's from. I would only accept the word "when" in response if it's in another language, because that might be funny (especially sign language, I think). "When" by itself in English is played out though, so let's retire it here and now.

I just thought of another comeback that went from funny to too-standard. "Repeat after me: I, state your name..." You all know what comes after that, right? That's the problem. Humor should never be that obvious. If you know someone's going to say something and they know that you know that they're going to say it, why bother at all?

Wow, I think this might end up being a Wacky Wordy Wednesday after all. I had a whole topic to go over, but I'm kinda on a roll now. Look out, everyone, I don't know if there are brakes on this thing.

I thought of another! From now on, when someone says, "Call me crazy," you are not allowed to jump in with, "You're crazy." It's been done too many times and simply isn't funny anymore. If someone has to pause and wait for you to interject with the requisite comeback, it gots to go. Clear and simple.

Hmmm, here's one that I don't want to retire yet. Even though it's almost automatic for some people, it's nowhere near as prevalent as the other ones above. For me, if someone uses "surely" in a sentence, I should still be allowed to say, "Don't call me Shirley." That one's still funny to me, while I don't think anyone still considers "When" or "You're crazy" humorous. Also, "Airplane" is such a classic movie that it should almost have exempt status.

In my opinion (and please feel free to disagree), the only time humor can be that predictable but still funny is with slapstick. That's not my type of comedy, but even the most obvious sight gags can still get me. For example, in "Black Sheep," Chris Farley knocks over a voting booth. He punches through the wood to get someone out, then turns to the other booth right next to him. Even though I knew with 100%certainty that he was going to do the same thing and punch through that one too, it still made me laugh. Similarly, if you think people getting tackled hard is funny once, it will still be funny throughout "The Waterboy" with Adam Sandler. I can't explain it, but slapstick seems to be immune to the shortcomings of the super-obvious joke.

(Interesting-to-me sidenote: The book, "Slapstick" by Kurt Vonnegut has the same effect on me. I know exactly what's going to happen from having read it close to ten times, but it still gets me ever time. I know this isn't exactly the same thing, but hopefully the parentheses give me some leeway here.)

Ok, time to switch gears a little bit from should-be-retired automatic comebacks to should-be-retired phrases in speech. I know you all must have some phrases out there that you'd love to see disappear. Two quickly come to mind for me. First, you know what phrase I'd like to see go the way of the dodo? Yes, something "going the way of the dodo." It's not very common at all, but I hate it. I fully realize that it's an extinct bird, but what's wrong with "T-rex" or any other dinosaur for that matter? Anyone out there want to stick up for that phrase?

The second phrase that should be playing shuffleboard at Shady Pines is "jump the shark." This was a brilliant idea at first. For those of you not familiar with it, the term is defined on http://www.jumptheshark.com/ as, "A defining moment when you know that your favorite television program has reached its peak. That instant that you know from now on...it's all downhill." The name is hilariously taken from the episode of "Happy Days" when Fonzie jumps over a shark on water skis. Here's the problem with it: people jump to saying something jumped the shark way too quickly. On the site, they talk about how adding a new character out of nowhere (like the daughter on "Ally McBeal" or Cousin Oliver on "The Brady Bunch") can cause a show to jump the shark. People are allowed to nominate shows, and "Heroes" is on there for introducing a character's wife. It's the first frickin' season! They're not adding someone because they think it's stale, they're just adding to the story. Similarly, 761 people think that Boone's death on "Lost" caused it to jump the shark. 102 people think that Magnum's death in "Magnum, P.I." did the same thing, but I'm pretty sure he died in the very last episode, so that doesn't even make any sense.

Do you see why we need to retire this phrase before it really runs itself into the ground? Any time there's a story line that people don't like in a show, they rush to that phrase, and I'm sick of it. If it must remain in our language, then we should only be allowed to use it when a show is completely over. That way, I can say that "Alias" really j'd the s when they got too deep into the Rembaldi crap. I think I could handle that.

Ok, gentle readers, it's time to put your fingers where your mouth is. Wait, that didn't come out right. It's time to comment, I mean. I just know that you have automatic comebacks and annoying phrases that you want forcibly removed from our language. May this be your forum.

Last but not least, today is our friend Laura's birthday. There's a song by NOFX called "August 8th" in which they say, "August 8th is a beautiful day" many times throughout. I hope that's the case for all of you. Shaloha, and I'll see you back here tomorrow. Happy Birthday, Laura.