FUF #16

It's Friday, and all I wanna do is have some FUF. I gotta feeling, I'm not the only...wuf. That FUF pun was brought to you by my lovely wife, who has scarily learned to think a little bit like me. Yes, 'tis Friday, my friends. I had written earlier this week that I often overvalued four-day work weeks because losing 20% wasn't that big a deal. Guess what? I was wrong about that this time. Friday seemed to come a little faster. I guess that means that next time there's a four-dayer, I'm going to expect it to be fast and then get right back into the whole overvaluing thing. Ah, the circle of life.

Speaking of which, it's frickin' June! How the hell did that happen? June's a big month for Los Kleins. Both Amber and I enter a new decade, my parents celebrate their 38th anniversary, my nephew turns 1 and 11/12ths, the offspring of the Sackies turns 4, and we have the half-birthdays of my dad, my brother, my mother-in-law, Jon, Twilight, Candice, Rockabye, and Jesus. Maybe December's a bigger month than June, now that I think about it.

Ready for some random stuff? Good.

One place we visited in Mexico had a bunch of animals. There were boars who ran a lot faster than we thought, monkeys who seemed to be as smart of some people we've met, and lots of birds. One of the birds was a toucan, which led me to a few "Toucan play at this game" comments. The other birds were bright and colorful parrots. I don't know why it surprised me in the slightest, but I was taken aback when one of the parrots suddenly said, "Hola hola!" It continued saying it every so often, and it continued being funny the whole time. One of the parrots even successfully copied a woman's laugh, which was cool but also a little creepy.

I spoke with my good friend Lisa a couple of days after we returned. "A horrible thing happened while you were gone," she said. "What's that?" I asked, pretty sure that it had nothing to do with something serious. "Our internet was down almost all week." We commiserated over how powerless a feeling that is, and how it's gotten to a point in which I'm almost 100% useless at work when my computer isn't working. The machines have us right where they want us.

Here's something that I thought of earlier that I wanted to share with you all. You know what's not fair? North and South always get top billing in combo directions. That's bullshit. Who decided that? Why can't we say that something is Eastnorth of here, or I'm on the Westsouthern corner? Well, guess who's gonna start doing that? Just remember, gentle readers, you heard it here first. But if the FBI's asking, you didn't hear it here.

My brother called me to tell me something yesterday. He heard a radio commercial for a company that had virus protection software. Their phone number? 1-800-KILLSPAMEMAIL. That's 13 frickin' numbers (and the same as KILLS PANTHERS or KILL SPANISH RICE)! Not as bad as 1-800-SAVETHECHILDREN, but closer than I expected anyone else to get.

About two weeks ago, I wrote about Dusty having battery acid in the back of his Jeep and the effect it had on my pants and Lisa's jeans. For some reason, I never made any comment in that post about "acid wash jeans," and I apologize for that.

Car Watch time!

Rockabye saw a license plate that had a heart symbol and then MY CELL. Sure enough, she was talking on her cell phone at the time. I'm all for love, but a cell phone seems an unnatural object of such affection.

One of my favorite plates of the year so far: On the 405 in fun-as-ever traffic, I spied OY VEY LA. I love it.

Shortly after that one, I came up behind a plate that read FROOGAL...on a Jaguar. I'm gonna leave that one alone and let it speak for itself.

Lastly, I saw a license plate frame that pissed me off: UC San Diego...The Smart Ones. Really? I'm not saying UCSB is on the same level as Harvard, but UCSD should know better than to create something like that. I don't know if they're comparing themselves to their sister campuses in the UC system, but if so, Berkeley might have a bone to pick with them. So might UCLA. And by golly, so might my beloved Gauchos. After all, 5 Nobel laureates since 98 ain't bad. Neither is being ranked the #2 public research university in the country, but I digress. "The Smart Ones." Why is that even plural? It doesn't say "UC San Diego Students" on the top? I'll stop now.

Deep breaths, Peter. Have a great weekend, everyone, and I hope your June gets off to a great start. Remember to write to ptklein@gmail.com with anything about anything so I can get some extra material for posts and future FUFs.

Mass un-appeal

Good morning, everyone. I hope this Hump Day has started off in a glorious fashion for you all. Mine started with extra traffic, so that's always a plus. Since I wrote about wheatgrass yesterday, I'm going to stay on the subject of ingestible substances.

But first, I have to ramble and then attempt to pull it all together. Guess who I'm nicer to than the average American? That's right, telemarketers. Don't get me wrong, I really don't like being bothered in an unsolicited manner by people who are selling something I don't want, but I'm a little nicer to them. Sometimes I use sentences like, "I understand the values of what you're selling, but as I stated earlier, I'm not going to be purchasing it." If they persist after two or three times of me nicely saying no, then I tell them, "I'm sorry, but I'm hanging up now." It's a far cry from Catherine Keener's character in "40 Year-Old Virgin" telling a telemarketer to commit suicide, and I'd guess that most people fall somewhere in the vast middle ground.

Here's the thing that gets me about telemarketing though: the ends must justify the means for them to be doing it. That is, if one out of every x number of people takes them up on this unsolicited deal, they make a profit. It's the same reason there are flyers on your car when you come back to it from shopping somewhere. How much did the copies cost? How much are you paying the person per hour to put them on windshields or doorknobs? If it's selling home theater systems, and just one person goes in and buys one, that likely covers every cost and then some. Is this system annoying and bothersome to a large percentage of the population? Oh sure. But until it stops being profitable (which every business owner needs), it'll stick around.

Why was I thinking about this kind of mass, unsolicited marketing? Spam, gentle readers, spam is the answer. First of all, I'm very thankful for designated spam folders in email. They're far from foolproof, but they do a good job at corralling the crap. My wife and I were looking at our spam folders, and we were amazed at how many of the emails were for penis enlargement products. I don't know if it's all for the same product or if each email is for a different one, but the subject lines vary in how they attempt to lure the customer in.

First of all, they waste 50% of their efforts immediately since the subjects are all speaking to men. Still, they must be making money somehow or they wouldn't still be doing this. I've broken down some of the email subjects into a few categories (these are all real emails in my spam folder or my wife's):

The Power of Comparison:
"Adult film stars use it"
"Ron Jeremy uses this"
"Tommy Lee uses this"

Colloquial Science:
"StrongCock" (one word)
"Powerful Dick"
"Make your Jimmy bigger"
"Three inches plus is yours to gain"

Playing on insecurities:
"Improve your manhood"
"Enlarge your manhood!"
"A powerful manhood is only a click away"

Pleasant:
"We offer the selection and prices customers want"

Unpleasant and illiterate:
"your life is really suxx if you fuck like looser or don't do it at all"

Here's one of my main questions: If someone were in the market for "enlarging his manhood," how would he choose one of those emails when they're all sitting in his spam folder next to each other? Maybe he's sitting there thinking, "Man, my life is really suxx because I fuck like looser or don't do it at all...Hey, look at that!" I don't know, and I doubt people are willing to volunteer how they choose one penis enlargement pill over another for a Follow-Up Friday.

I guess it must not cost too much to send out thousands and thousands of emails, so every sale probably makes a big impact for these companies. Enough to cover the costs of making the pills, employee salaries, and everything else associated with a business? I guess so. I don't see how exactly, but I guess it must.

Getting a little off track here: how do you think Hormel feels about "spam" being the universal term of junk e-mail? Not good, I imagine. I mean, it was already the butt of so many jokes before that term was coined. They say no publicity is bad publicity, but I just can't imagine someone associating unwanted email with a food product and then going out to buy some. Maybe that's just me though.

Gentle readers, got any fantastic spam subjects? What other items are you constantly being emailed about besides "making your Jimmy bigger"? Your comments and emails are very much appreciated on this one, because I feel like it's full of potential. So have a great day, and we'll meet back here on the other side of the hump.