Checking it twice

Good morning, and how's everybody doing on this (beat) Humpday? I'm fine, thank you. No, really, I appreciate you asking.

In my post yesterday, I referred to the dancing Magic Mountain guy and how annoying he is. The first thing I think of with that guy is, "He's on Dusty's list." Allow me to explain: Years ago, we somehow came up with lists of individuals that we really didn't like. The premise was simple: If you were forced to shoot someone, it would be hard to choose among the following people. Don't get me wrong, this wasn't by any means a list of people we wanted dead, just ones we disliked enough that if we were forced to kill someone, they'd merit consideration. Are we horrible people for creating these lists? It's debatable, but first check out the level of people we're dealing with here.

Back in the day, my list looked something like this:
French Stewart from "3rd Rock from the Sun" (for being incredibly annoying)
Fran Drescher from "The Nanny" (for being incredibly annoying)
Kirstie Alley (for being incredibly annoying)
Michael Bolton (for having the same constipated sound in every song)
Toni Braxton (for prominently featuring "Unbreak" in a song)

I know I'm totally missing some, and it's driving me crazy. Dusty's list had a few that overlapped with mine, but his also included:

Fred Schneider from the B52s (for being incredibly annoying)
Magic Mountain Guy (for being incredibly annoying)

My spot-on impression of Fred Schneider did nothing but cement his place on that list, by the way.

In the years since, some people have worked their ways off this list. I don't feel as strongly about Michael Bolton anymore, and since I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be in the debate for the bullet, he's officially off. In essence, fading from the spotlight may have saved his life. Toni Braxton was almost off, but her horrendous performance on last year's American Idol finale kept her on. French Stewart, I'm sorry to say that even though I haven't seen you on tv for years, you still anger me every time I think of you, so you're staying.

There's a newcomer to the list though. I don't know if these radio commercials play everywhere, but if you've heard the guy who says, "You're Killing Me, Larry!" for Sit N' Sleep commercials, I have to believe that you'd agree with me. I can't change the station fast enough. They already had one catch phrase ("Or your mattress is FREEEEEE!), yet they felt compelled to add him and his stupid ass. Yes, I'm resorting to name-calling now.

Again, let me state clearly that I don't wish death upon any of these people - I'm sure they all have some redeeming qualities (with the possible exception of Kirstie Alley). What I'd really like to know is who you, gentle readers, would have on your lists. Please refrain from putting people you actually know, because I don't want to be called as a witness in the ensuing trial. And please leave politicians out of it, because as a general rule I try to avoid breaking federal laws. So comment away, and on that happy note, have a great day.

What's the deal?

As a kid, I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain several times. Often it was with a group from one of the camps I went to, but I also went often with my friend Adam who lived near the amusement park. We got to know the rides pretty well, and I have fond memories of those trips. We'd debate whether the front or the back was more fun on Ninja, see who could make the best faces for the picture on Viper, and scream inappropriate things on the big drops of Colossus. Good times all around and the perfect place for adolescent boys.

In the years since, I've had two main thoughts about Magic Mountain: I don't even know what rides are still there since they kept changing everything, and I hate the commercials with the dancing old guy. (Note: If you've never witnessed the commercials of which I speak, do yourself a favor and avoid looking for them online. You're much better off that way.) But over the past week, I've heard a radio commercial for Magic Mountain that's left me a little perplexed. In it, the offer they make is as follows: buy a one-day pass, and you get the whole year for free AND one free kid's admission.

I'm all for good deals, but there's that line that every deal can cross that moves it over to a different category - the Hmmmm Category. If a restaurant is having a special and their hamburgers (normally $8.99) are only $5.99 for a limited time, that sounds like a good deal. If they were running a special where those same burgers were $0.49, they enter the Hmmmm Category. Why are they so eager to get rid of those, and how good could the quality possibly be at that price? It's why we wouldn't go to a place advertising laser eye surgery for 20 bucks.

A lot of infomercial products straddle this line. They build up the applications of the product so much and slash the price so often, that it starts to seem like a really good deal. Then they say, "Act now, and we'll throw in another one FOR FREE!" Hmmmm, I say, Hmmmm.

The line is a fine one, and I think of it like a value bet in poker. If I know for sure that I have the best hand, I want to bet the highest amount possible that I can get other people to call. If I quickly go all-in, it'll scare people away. However, if I bet too small of an amount, it sends the signal that I'm trying to get people to stay in. Professional poker players know this amount, and I always watch in awe at their accuracy.

Back to Magic Mountain: My thought on that commercial and that deal is that they're showing their hand way too eagerly. It says to me, "We know that hardly any of you will come back enough times to make this worth the $59.99 you're shelling out, so we're trying to make it as appealing as possible." The term used for this is "breakage," and companies love it (and rightfully so). The rebate forms that aren't filled out, the gift cards that are forgotten in a drawer, the "three more times and get one free" card in that same drawer - they all equal more profit for the companies.

So if you're going to Magic Mountain because of that great deal they're offering, you'd better get $60 of enjoyment out of that first trip, because chances are that'll be your only time there in 07. That is, if Magic Mountain's still there - I think Jack Bauer watched it get annihilated last night. Sorry, Valencia.