Could you repeat that?

Oh Friday, how you please me with your end-of-week-ness. Hey, that sounds like "end of weakness." Cool. Maybe I can turn that pun into a timely phrase sometime, like, "Well that certainly was a weak end to a weekend" on a boring Sunday night. I'll have to store that one in the recesses of my brain for later use. Hey, "recesses of my brain" sounds like...just kidding. I know what it's like to have to hear those kinds of thoughts all day long, so I'll spare you from the looniness. So yes, it's Friday, and I'm here to write about some random things that have made their way into the "Possibly Blogworthy" category on my internal list.

I've spent some time in this space discussing music and lyrics before, but I have a new topic I want to touch on: not understanding them. Please allow me to clarify. I don't mean "not understanding" in the sense of "what the hell is he talking about?" If so, I'd have plenty of fodder with Bob Dylan alone, not to mention the entire "Magical Mystery Tour" album. Nor do I mean, "Oh, he says that? I always thought he said something else." That's a whole other post waiting to happen. No friends, but "not understanding," I mean literally not being able to make out what the person says and just throwing one's hands up in defeat. I have two recent examples to illustrate the point I'm so cloudily trying to make.

First off, my good friend Jon made me a mix cd with a song called "Hum Hallelujah" by Fall Out Boy on it. I listened to it a few times and liked the tune, but I could barely make out any of the words (besides "hum" and "hallelujah"). I knew it was in English, so I expected to be able to decipher them with repeated listens. No such luck. If I wanted to sing along, I'd have to speak Gibberish to attempt to mimic the meaningless sounds I was hearing. The main problem is that the lead singer has no regard for meter whatsoever. I thought I made out one line (at around 1:15 in the song) to be the nonsensical, "Two two, a deal was born," but it turned out to be, "Til tonight do us part." Read those two sentences aloud and see how very different they sound in terms of meter. He sings the word "tonight" with the emphasis on the first syllable (TOO-night), and it's hard to recover from that. The most indecipherable line comes a little later (at around the 1:40 mark), and I played it over and over again in the car with my lovely wife until we were able to form our best guess. We came up with, "We'll blow your ears out just to shine his shorts." We didn't really think that was what he was saying, but that was our best guess in an attempt to make the sounds match up with words. So when I looked it up, I expected to have a few of the words right. We did, if we all agree that "a few" can mean "three." The real line? "We're a bull; your ears are just a china shop." Dr. Mr. Lead Singer of Fall Out Boy: Please make your lyrics either obtuse and cryptic or hard to audibly decipher. Choose one. Both is unfair to your listeners. Oh well, I guess I can't blame him for his thick Scottish accent. What's that? They're from Illinois with no discernible accent? Oh that's right; there's no excuse whatsoever for singing in made-up sounds purported to be real English words. If you're interested, here's the song with some pictures of the band serving as a makeshift video:

The second example is more dire. I subscribe to Paste Magazine, largely because each issue comes with a cd of around 20 songs of new music that they like and feel like sharing. They're almost exclusively from bands I've never heard of, and it's expanding my horizons. Well, in this most recent issue, there's a song calling "Standing Bird" by a band called LOVE PSYCHEDELICO. Yeah, they capitalize their name for some reason. Anyway, I listened to the song, and while it's not right-on with the type of music I normally enjoy, I liked it and thought it was a cool and different sound. There was one problem with it though. I said to my lovely wife, "Honey, there's one song on here that I honestly can't tell if it's in English." There were definitely some English words, but the rest of it really just sounded like...not a language. I tried again, and eventually gave up and searched online for the lyrics. What I found was indeed surprising: I was right. The song is a mix of Japanese and English, which I learned is fairly common in Japanese pop music (or J-Pop, as it's called). I'll include the video below that has subtitles so you can see what I'm talking about and why I was so damn confused.

That's different, isn't it? I found the lyrics written out phonetically somewhere, but I have a feeling I'm not going to spend the time learning them in order to sing along. The most confusing part of all of it is in the English word choice. For instance, the chorus ends with "somewhat of ride and roll." Now I speak English - fluently even - and I have no idea what that means. Oh well, now we're being bilingually obtuse.

One quick and random thought before moving on: I realized something very, very distressing, and therefore I must share it with you all. For those of you who have visited this site more than once, you may know that I occasionally wish people I know Happy Half-Birthdays. It's not an important thing by any means, but when I remember to do it, I do. Well, I realized that my sweet little pup Hallie (gulp) doesn't have a half-birthday. Her "birthday" is Halloween, and there is no April 31st. That sucks. Everyone should be entitled to a half-birthday. Who can fix this? I'd write to my Congressperson, but I'd first have to know who that is, and even then, I bet s/he would claim that s/he had "more important things to do." Let's see if s/he gets my vote again...whenever we vote for those people.

Car Watch time, boys and girls! (Insert excited "Yay" here.)

My Aunt Lynn is on the cusp of becoming a regular Car Watch contributor, and I wish to support that new hobby. She saw a bumper sticker that told people, "Life is short..play naked." Play what exactly? Scrabble? Music? Doctor? Ice hockey? Or is "naked" the name of a game of which I'm currently unaware? Since I'm left to guess, I'll have to go with...ice hockey. That way it be both a fun sporting event and double as an anatomy lesson.

My favorite brother Kevin called me one morning this week to report a car item as well. It was a red Corvette with the plate, "JOE'S EGO." Yes, he'd hand-drawn the apostrophe. I applaud your self-awareness, Joe. Most people in your position might opt for the "Damn I'm good" or even the "Sit down, hold on, shut up" sticker to let us know of their egomaniacal ways. But not you, Joe; you are clear in your motives, and I'm quite proud.

Lastly, my homey Rockabye texted me with a plate: "SOLM8S" it said. "That's cute," I said as I showed it to my own beloved, but I didn't think it was anything particularly special. Five seconds later, I got another text from him saying that he'd accidentally forgotten a letter. The plate actually said, "SOLM8TS." "Ah, now I see why he sent it," I said. The case of the superfluous T. Soul matets? Mateys? Amber suggested that it could be "s.o.l. for shit out of luck," which caused me to use my pirate voice and say, "Ay, you're shit out of luck, mateys. Arrrrr." I've said it countless times, folks: If the plate message you want isn't available, either find another variation that still gets the point or simply let it go.

Before we end this session, I have to publicly offer gigantic congratulations out to my friends Dusty and The Mills, who got engaged during this past week. We very happy and excited for them, and you all should be too. That's right, I'm dictating your emotions now. Mazel tov, my friends. Ok that's it for now. Happy 7/11, everybody. May you all be open 24 hours today, and may your weekends avoid weak ends. Damn that's a good one. In all seriousness, be happy and healthy. See you next week, and remember to email ptklein@gmail.com with whatever takes your fancy and strikes it.

I now mis-pronounce you...

Hello again, and thanks for joining me on this miraculous Miercoles. That sounds good - way better than silly old "Wednesday." But oh, gentle readers, today is so much more than a silly old Wednesday. First off, it's my friend Greg's birthday. I've known him for all thirty of them, so he definitely gets top paragraph status. Secondly, I hope you're sitting down because today is also another Wacky Wordy Wednesday! The excitement is palpable; that is, it's able to be palped.

I was in the car a couple of weeks ago, and I heard a commercial on the radio that made me angry. Alone in my car, I said to no one in particular, "Really? Really? How could they leave that in there?" As it turns out, my lovely wife heard the same commercial and thought the same thing. It's for Panda Express, and after talking about the sweetness and spiciness of a dish, the "voice talent" says that it's the "ying and yang" of flavor, or some shit like that. Yep, he clearly articulates the erroneous G at the end of "ying," and that offends me. Maybe it's not as commonly known as I'd suspect that "YIN and yang" is the accurate term, but I have to think that whoever opted to include that in the script should've known better.

That story leads me to the larger theme of today's post: people saying things incorrectly. They're out there, you've heard them, and some of you might even say them yourselves. That all ends today, friends. Put the bad pronunciation behind you and we can go back to being friends, pals, buddies, etc. That's "et cetera" by the way. How many of you say "ect cetera" instead? Well, you're wrong and you need to stop that right away. Honestly, people, if you know that the abbreviation is e-t-c, why can't you pronounce it as such? It chaps my hide, grinds my gears, rubs me the wrong way, ET cetera.

Do you see where I'm coming from on this, or am I already starting to sound like a lunatic to you? If it's the latter, then be forewarned because I've got more here. Words seem to care about me, and vice versa. Ya hear that? VICE VERSA, not "vice-a versa" or however some of you incorrectly say it. Do you hold items still in a vice-a? Were Crockett and Tubbs in "Miami Vice-a?" If you want to incur my wrath, keep on saying it incorrectly. Don't pay the price; just say it "vice." (I love channeling my inner Johnnie Cochran.)

Granted, some words have exceptions when it comes to pronunciation. I have always known "often" to have a silent T, but I can't entirely blame people who say "off-ten" because it's right there, asking to be pronounced. Therefore, I'm willing to put and asterisk next to "often." Not an asterik, because that word doesn't exist. There's an extra S there before the K, folks, and it deserves your attention as much as the other letters. Sound like a prick; say "asterik."

Ok, I'm tired of being angry right now and want to switch gears. Instead I'm going to write about words with dual correct pronunciations. For example, I say the word "route" so that it sounds like "root." Others, most likely including many of you, opt for the "rout" pronunciation. Here's where it gets interesting (to me, and possibly only me): I say "root" for everything but "paper route." There, it's "rout," and I don't know why. That said, for those of you who say "rout" all the time, what about that famous route numbered 66? You say "root" for that, don't you? I'm very interested in hearing which way you all say that word, and if that changes in any other phrases/special usages.

Want another example? Let's take the word "Caribbean." I say "kuh RIB bee un" almost exclusively. I say "almost" because when there is a pirate involved, it becomes "care uh BEE un." I can hear the tide of public opinion swaying to my side, and I love it.

Lastly, we have either and neither. I pronounce both with a long E sound instead of a long I. No one wants to be stuck in "long I land." Ha, I crack my shit up sometimes. In any case, my lovely wife says "I-thur" and "Nigh-ther." "But what about with the word 'me' in front of them?" I asked her. "Hmmm, I guess I say 'nee-there' in those cases," she realized. Aw yeah, the ear of Peter strikes again.

So that is where I shall end today's Wacky Wordy Wednesday, wittle weaders. I'd love to hear your own usage on those words and any variations thereof. Have a great rest of the day, and I'll see you back here tomorrow for another Sorry Honey It's Thursday post. As always, feel free to email ptklein@gmail.com with anything about anything.

Seen but not heard

Good morning, and happy Tuesday to everyone. I was just thinking about the differently spelled incarnations of the sound too in our language, even though that has nothing to do with what I'm planning on writing about. It started with me almost making some horribly forced joke about the other numbers being jealous of 2 because he has his own day (2's Day, naturally). Good thing I stopped myself before writing that, eh?

Anyway, I'm going to follow my mind's lead on this one and see if it turns into an entire post. So I was thinking about to, too, two, and tutu, and something in particular caught my mind's eye: the silent W in "two." I asked myself, "Self, is that a strange letter to be found silently lurking in a word? It seems to have such a forceful presence that it's odd to have it blend in so that it's completely unnoticed to the ear." I agreed with myself at first, but then I immediately realized that "sword" has a silent W too. If I thought of another one so quickly, maybe it's not that rare after all.

Let's play a game, shall we? (Please note that the W in "we" is pronounced.) I'm going to go through the alphabet and see how many letters are used silently in words. I shalln't consult a dictionary or any website that probably already lists this somewhere in cyberspace. Instead, I'll be thinking off the top of my head. I'm sure I'll miss some, and I'd love for you to help me out, gentle readers. My goal is to find at least one for every letter possible. I'll try to avoid words in other languages unless they've been fully adopted into English as well. (I have one of those in mind already, so you'll see what I mean.)

Shall we being with A, mes amis? I already have a song called "A" by Barenaked Ladies in my head, and I think it's going to be there for a while. Let's see. Ya know, I just wrote the word "head" and I think that counts as a silent A. Without it there, it would be pronounced exactly the same. This is gonna be easy!

B time, yo. Right off the bat, I have three that come to mind. Dumb, subtle, and jamb. Great, now I have "Burnt Jamb" by Weezer in my head. My mental IPod is on one hell of a shuffle.

From C to shining C. I'm going to say that a word like "science" fits this category (the first C in that word, of course). If you don't like that one, then any word ending in "ck" like back might appease you. Man, you're tough. If I wanted to, I could have "She Blinded Me with Science" and/or "Back in the Saddle Again" in my head, but I don't want to.

Let's hop aboard the D train and see what we find. Will you give me credit for bundt? I think that might be slightly pronounced. Hmmm. Djibouti? What do you think about words ending in "dge" like bridge or sludge? The D's still in there, isn't it? Damn, I think I may have my first open frame.

E is an easy one, I believe. "Have" is an example of a word whose vowel sound isn't changed by the E at the end. I wouldn't say "gave" because "gav" would be pronounced differently. Yeah, I'm going with "have." I have to.

F is tricky. On one hand, I could say that the second F in something like puff is effectively silent, but I feel like that's cheating. Aside from that and ones like it, I'm at a loss. Remember, I could cheat but I won't. I must keep the integrity of UOPTA intact. Melissa, BKS, and other language freaks like me - help a brother out.

Gee, we're on G already. Piece o' cake. Words like reign and feign popped out the second I started thinking of this letter. And gnarly. Can't forget gnarly. Whew, I was getting worried for a minute.

H, the letter with my least favorite pronunciation. I know that I personally don't pronounce the H in what, where, or when, or which, but I could if I wanted to. (There's actually a very funny "Family Guy" scene about that, by the way.) If you won't give me those as silent H words, I guess I'll go with rhyme instead. No one pronounces it in that word, right? Ok, here's one for sure: chords. Booyah Johnson!

I. Ay yay yay. This is a tough one. I keep trying to think of words like waiter, since it should be pronounced the same without the I but it's not. Silly English. I suppose the second I in the Nintendo Wii is unnecessary but not exactly silent. I think I'm currently stumped on this one.

J isn't any easier right off the bat. It makes a different sound in fjord but certainly isn't silent. Crap, I think I'm on a losing streak here.

Thank you, K. Just in time. This one's easy, with words like knight, knack, etc. Whew.

La la la la L-time. I know it's a strange word, but I think soldering should count for this one. After all, a "sodering gun" could be pronounced the same way, right? I feel like I'm forgetting a whole bunch of silent L words - help me out here. What about would and could? My tongue does no L action with those words at all.

M: Mnemonic. Bam!

N: Column, solemn, and damn. Oh my!

O: I don't know. The vowels are awfully tough. Even in "tough" there, I can't say that the gh would still be an F sound without the O in there because the language is so odd with those things. I'm stuck on O too I guess.

Ah yes, P. I've given this one thought before, because I like telling people, "It's P as in Pterodactyl." That gets some confused looks alright.

Q: I think the Q could technically be silent in a word like acquaintance. In fact, I'm saying it is. You wanna fight about it?

A pirate's favorite letter: R. According to my Bostonian Grandmother, Peter has a silent R at the end. I can't think of a real one right now. I'm growing weary and wondering why I started this whole thing.

S: aisle, corps (as in the Peace variety), and probably others. I'm good here.

T: I don't pronounce the T in often, but since some of you might, may I suggest rapport instead. Nailed it.

U: Another vowel. Shit. Oh, how about shoulder? I think that actually works. Yay for me.

V: I don't think I'm getting one here. Nope. Not happening.

W: Who and whole came to mind quickly here, and I'm pleased by that. Oh yeah, and two and sword, who started this whole thing.

X: Here is the one I used the disclaimer for at the beginning. I know that faux is a French word, but it's fully integrated into English as well. If it's not real fur or real pearls, we simply don't say "fake." Go ahead and argue, but I'm sticking with that one.

Y: Because we like you. I could argue that when Y is a vowel in the middle of words, it's often unnecessary. Tryst for example would sound the same as "trst" I think. However, I don't buy my own argument there and I'm going to pass on this one until I can find a better example.

Z: No way. I mean, there's a basketball player named Joel Przyzbilla (pronounced Priz-billa), so one of those Zs has to be silent. Aside from that though, I can't think of anything that should count. I'm sure there are some Polish words that have an S and a Z together in which only one is pronounced, but that's not enough. I hate going out on a tough one, but maybe that's why Z got pushed to the end to begin with. Trouble-making Z.

Ok, that's it. I have to stop thinking. If more come to mind for letters that previously stumped me, I'll post something in the comments section (probably starting with "Crap"). Please weigh in on this, whether it's helping complete the list, things that surprised you, or just to say that I'm strange for devoting this much brainpower to something like this.

Have a great day. I need a nap.