The great fire debate

It is morning and it is good, therefore I feel completely justified is wishing you all a good morning. We are now more than halfway through December, so the frenzy should peak and fizzle within the next week or so. And drizzle. Fo shizzle.

I've got a story to tell, so I'm just going to jump right into it, ok? About a week ago, a colleague was telling me about a Victorian home that he's renovating back east. During one part of his monologue, I (uh oh) thought of something. He said that there was a problem with the chimney, and that the company he's using employs a "little person" to get in there and fix some of the masonry. Instead of getting stuck on the more fascinating part of that story, I posed another question to myself: How many times a day must a chimney worker put up with Santa Claus references? I thought about it for a while and concluded that it must be very, very often. "Gotta make sure Santa can get down," "Maybe Santa got caught up there," etc. Especially during this time of year, I imagined the number to be quite high.

I posed this question to the folks in my office, and there was a pretty wide scope of opinions. First, a young lady named Jamie said that it probably only comes up once a week. I got visibly frustrated with her answer and told her that we "just fundamentally disagree on this issue." I asked another co-worker, and he said, "Well, let's say they go on eight house calls a day per day...I'd say five or six of those mention Santa Claus." I went to my boss and asked him how often he thought St. Nick came up to a chimney professional. He thought for a moment and said, "Fifty." "Fifty?" I asked. "Think about it," he continued. "Every time they talk to someone on the phone, every time they tell people at a dinner party what they do, Santa Claus comes up because that's what people associate with chimneys." "Or Mary Poppins," Jamie added. I argued that if someone specifically said that they were a "chimney sweep," then yes, Mary Poppins might come up. However, during December in particular, Santa was the main man. In fact, when Jamie found the California Chimney Sweep Guild website, two of the five men in the photograph actually look like Santa Claus. That's gotta help the odds, right?

I brought this up to a few friends over dinner, who promptly called me an adjective that rhymes with "metarded." I asked them what percent of business interactions involve a Santa Claus reference for chimney professionals. "Fifteen," one said. I said I thought it was closer to eighty, and they so violently responded to that suggestion that I probably put my hands up in self defense. We talked about making a wager on it, setting the over/under line at 50%. I said I would call three east coast chimney companies and average their numbers. I was the only one of the four of us to take the over, while the other three looked at me like I was crazy and took the under. What did we bet? Nothing. The food came, and we dropped the discussion and forgot to get back to it.

It's a good thing too, because when I'm wrong, I'm very wrong. A couple of days ago, I called three different chimney companies, and here is what transpired:

1. New England Chimney Sweeps, NY:

Peter: Hi, I have a rather odd question. I was wondering how often Santa Claus comes up in your daily interactions with clients or potential clients.

NECS: Not too much.

Peter: Oh. If you had to put a percentage on it, what do you think that would be?

NECS: Maybe about 5%.

2. Mr. Chimney, NY:

Peter: (same opening question)

MC: Never.

Peter: Never?

MC: (more emphatically) Never.

3. American Heritage Fireplace, Chicago

Peter: (same opening questions)

AHF: No, people don't like Santa this time of year.

Peter: (incredulous) They don't?

AHF: Nope, it reminds them of spending money. He doesn't come up at all.

Peter: Nothing about, "So Santa can make his way down the chimney?"

AHF: Nope.

I don't know how I could be so far off. If I were anywhere close to my projections, I'd wonder if I needed to tweak the way I was asking. But these numbers don't lie (at least with this small sample size). If my math is right, that's an average of 1.67% of the time that St. Nick comes up. I was shocked, disappointed, and even a little saddened by this. "People don't like Santa this time of year" is the biggest crock of shit I've heard all week. Are the chimney professionals all tired of the nonstop Santa references and have unilaterally agreed to pretend that they don't exist? That seems like a very involved scheme, so probably not. I'm puzzled though. My boss suggested that the sample size was not statistically relevant and that we should hire a team of fifty people to make outbound calls to 20,000 chimney workers. Jamie, of course, wants to call those same three companies back and ask them about Mary Poppins. Dear readers, what do you make of all of this? Am I that out of touch with reality or is there some master plan to keep Santa references hidden from non-chimney workers? It's gotta be one of the two, right?

Here's a random item before I move on to the penultimate Car Watch of '08. It's been long known in my circle of family and friends that I enjoy making faces in the mirror. In fact, I've often said in the past that if I could get paid to make faces in the mirror for eight hours a day, that would pretty much be my dream job. I have some good ones, I assure you. Anyway, one thing bothers me about a few of the faces I've made, and I'm here to share that with you. Whenever I have a face in either the angry or perplexed category, I furrow my brow. I get a crease between my eyes when I do that, which is fine, but it's not centered. It's closer to my right eye than my left, and that lack of symmetry really bugs me. Oh sure, one might argue that it makes the face better because it adds a little character, but I'm a big fan of symmetry and prefer it when it comes to my face. If I'm squinting one eye or curling one side of my upper lip, those moves are partially defined by the other side not being affected. I realize I'm trying to apply something resembling a scientific method to making faces in the mirror, but should I ever get the call from some billionaire who wants a big screen of someone constantly making faces in the background of his/her home office, I want to be as prepared as possible. Maybe that would even be considered art, and visitors to the office would then commission me for side projects or themed parties. I really think I'm onto something here. Ya know, once that billionaire calls.

Now it's time to gather 'round the fire and see what the Car Watch put in our proverbial stockings.

First off, I was next to a truck on the always-exciting 405 freeway, and I did at least a double take at the company's name: Wide Awake Roofing. I almost don't know where to start with this. I mean, is that really their unique selling proposition? I can hear the commercials now: "Are you tired of hiring people to put a new roof on your house, only to find that they spend most of their time with heavy eyelids? Here at Wide Awake Roofing, our workers are not just awake - they're wide awake! Every roofing professional on our staff has demonstrated the ability to be - and stay - awake for hours at a time! You'll never catch our guys sleeping on the job. You won't even find them sleeping at night. With the advent of energy drinks and caffeinated water, being wide awake is more than a job - it's a way of life. Wide Awake Roofing - not sleeping while putting on shingles since 2005. Call now!"

My homey Rockabye sent me a license plate that he saw: "NODUMY." At first, I was rather ho-hum about it. Then he told me it was on a Smart Car. Ah, I see. Now it makes sense, and good sense at that. I like it. It took a little thought and was executed well enough that no one is (hopefully) sitting there think, "What's a nod umee?" Therefore, it's a-ok in my book. Hell, it's even b-ok.

My friend Dusty got in on the action and sent me this license plate that he spied: "BUY JUNK." I wasn't sure which way to take this. My best guess is that this person purchases things that others no longer want and somehow turns a profit on them. If that's the case, then why would this person command the rest of us to do the same? Isn't that just unnecessarily creating competition? And maybe I'm in the minority here, but I prefer to purchase quality items so stop telling me what to do. Geez.

Last but certainly not least, here's a link for you to check out in your spare time. My Bratty Kid Sister sent it to me, and it's an article that explores possible "modesty plates" (instead of vanity ones - get it?). It's rather amusing, so take a look: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/13LucasKlauss.html

And with that, we're outa here. I'll be back here next Friday, but in that intervening week, we have a whole lotta stuff going on. Let's attack this chronologically, shall we? Tomorrow is my favorite brother's birthday and my good friend Jon's birthday. Sunday is not only my homey Rockabye's birthday, but also my grandparents' anniversary, the beginning of winter, and the beginning of Hanukkah at sundown. Wednesday is my friend Ozzie's half-birthday, and Thursday is both Christmas and the annual Klein Christmas Day Gathering (complete with grab bag). Get your rest folks, for that week's a doozy. Maybe even two doozies. As always, you can write me at ptklein@gmail.com with anything at all. Happy everything to everyone, and I wish you all very warm and healthy holidays. I'll be back here on the 26th if I can tear myself away from all my new toys. Shaloha.