Oddly similar

My friends and I have a lot of nicknames for each other. There's one whole class of names that deserves its own post, but the others usually happen organically. Someone will say something, it'll stick a little, then someone else will use it, and bam - new name. One that never caught on though is when I would call my friend Greg, "Gregor Mendel, the Father of Genetics." I think it was just a smidge on the wrong side of the catchiness hill.

In any case, that's my lead-in to talking about genetics. A few times throughout my posts and comments, I've referred to the power of genetics. Usually it's been after one or both of my parents posted something strange, leading me to thank/blame them for my oddities. But it doesn't stop there. Even though I've been the "wacky brother" for a while, the purpose of this post is to prove that my brother Kevin is not only in the same tree, but comfortable residing on the same strange branch as me.

Back when we were kids, Kevin and I were typical brothers. We played a lot together, had tons of fun, made up silly games, etc. Naturally, we also fought from time to time. More accurately, he fought with me. I was an angel. He didn't physically hurt me on more than a few occasions, but it was the psychological warfare that helped him achieve his position of power in the siblinghood. Holding a basketball like he was going to throw it at me had the same (or greater) effect as actually throwing it at me, but without any bruises I could show our parents as evidence of his deeds. He was very smart about how he tormented me, and I have a story that perfectly illustrates that.

Kevin started calling me "Dork Boy," most likely because I protested too much the first time he said it. My parents eventually heard him calling me that and told him to stop. So he did; instead he started calling me "D.B." which I disliked just as much. It took them a while to catch on to that one, but they finally did and told him to stop. Here's where the genius lies: Kevin then started mentioning things with the initials "D.B." The four of us would be in the car, and he'd say, "So, the DENVER BRONCOS should be good this year. They have a new DEFENSIVE BACK. I like their DARK BLUE uniforms." They never caught on to this, so he kept going until he tired of it.

I have a feeling that that's exactly how I would've tormented a younger sibling, so I can't help but admire his efforts in retrospect. Now that we're older, I have further proof of our mental similarities. For example, he told me yesterday that he spent the previous night online looking up words with silent letters, hoping to also find one for each letter as I had tried earlier that day. How many others of you did that? Exactly.

But here lies the real proof. Kevin and I had an IM conversation a month ago that I saved, knowing that I might use it for something. Here's what happened: Kevin had posted something in the comments section saying that his favorite letter was E. I responded to that:

Me: Hey, I like your favorite letter. I have to think about what mine is. E is a little too common though for me. I like c's versatility, but it feels odd to me and I like even more. Can't explain that. Maybe it's because it's the 3rd letter. Probably. Weird that that makes a difference to me.

Kevin: E is probably the King of Letters.

Me: A might dispute that

Kevin: No. This is E-Mail, E-Z E, Etc. "A" has what? A-Frame, Grade-A? Weak if you ask me. Of course, Fonzie did say "AAAAAAA" and not "EEEEEE" kind of hard to go against the Fonz.

Me: A is the best grade of everything. Not just school, it's the top of the line. You go eat your Grade E meat and tell me what you think tomorrow

Kevin: A was just grandfathered into the top spot. A Number 1, Grade A, etc. He never had to earn it. E batteries are like 10X the size of an A and much more powerful. In cardboard boxes, E-Flute is the strongest test. Try moving your valuables around in an A-Flute Corrugate box and your shit'll break.

Me: A fought tooth and nail to get to the top. You think it was born there? Oh no, my friend. The lingual scholars of the world decided it should be at the top, and I support their decision. Sure, E batteries are bigger, but A, AA, and AAA are versatile and way more prominent in the average household. What the hell is an E battery anyway? I can picture a D in a flashlight.

Kevin: A is at the top, but not powerful. Kind of like a leadoff hitter or a public face of the alphabet. Clearly the heavy hitters are up next. Class A Baseball is the lowest of the leagues. When Canadians talk about "A?" it is because they are confused. Where did I put my keys A?

Me: When I accidentally call a fax number, it screams "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" at me. No king would do that. E! Network....the king? Right. Ooh, I have a good argument for you: Elvis went by E and he was The King. But the Fonz did say Aaaaaa, so they cancel each other out. Nick from Family Ties said "A E", so maybe he was onto something

Kevin: Then why on Wheel of Fortune do they choose RSTLN & "E". Where the hell is "A"? You are right about The King. Also Burger King is the KING and last time I checked, Burger has an "E" in it and no "A". Words like Title, President, Ruler, Best, Unprecedented, etc. have E and no A. If I said "The Best Ever", that has like 4 E's. Wow, that's imprEssivE. Crap, Fail, Sad, Ass, Barf, Frail, Awful, Ignorant are card carrying members if the A fan club. However Hannibal and B.A. Baracas (?) were in the A-Team.

Me: People choose RSTLN and E because they're common. A king, a ruler must stand out above the crowd. If it were solely based on how popular something is, then American Idol would be the best show on television, Isaac Asimov would be the greatest writer of all time, and Now That's What I Call Music would be better than the Beatles. Go ahead and join your E Team, but Face, Murdoch and I are going to be sitting pretty, chomping on cigars, saving people in need, and counting our money.

And scene. So there you have it folks. Death, taxes, and genetics. There's no use in fighting. Kevin, your days of being the "normal brother" are over, now that 8-10 other people have witnessed the power of your same-strangeness. Gentle readers, have a great day and I'll see you tomorrow for Follow Up Friday. Right now, I'm gonna go dye my hair DIRTY BLONDE and play with DUNG BEETLES inside a DIAPER BAG.

Seen but not heard

Good morning, and happy Tuesday to everyone. I was just thinking about the differently spelled incarnations of the sound too in our language, even though that has nothing to do with what I'm planning on writing about. It started with me almost making some horribly forced joke about the other numbers being jealous of 2 because he has his own day (2's Day, naturally). Good thing I stopped myself before writing that, eh?

Anyway, I'm going to follow my mind's lead on this one and see if it turns into an entire post. So I was thinking about to, too, two, and tutu, and something in particular caught my mind's eye: the silent W in "two." I asked myself, "Self, is that a strange letter to be found silently lurking in a word? It seems to have such a forceful presence that it's odd to have it blend in so that it's completely unnoticed to the ear." I agreed with myself at first, but then I immediately realized that "sword" has a silent W too. If I thought of another one so quickly, maybe it's not that rare after all.

Let's play a game, shall we? (Please note that the W in "we" is pronounced.) I'm going to go through the alphabet and see how many letters are used silently in words. I shalln't consult a dictionary or any website that probably already lists this somewhere in cyberspace. Instead, I'll be thinking off the top of my head. I'm sure I'll miss some, and I'd love for you to help me out, gentle readers. My goal is to find at least one for every letter possible. I'll try to avoid words in other languages unless they've been fully adopted into English as well. (I have one of those in mind already, so you'll see what I mean.)

Shall we being with A, mes amis? I already have a song called "A" by Barenaked Ladies in my head, and I think it's going to be there for a while. Let's see. Ya know, I just wrote the word "head" and I think that counts as a silent A. Without it there, it would be pronounced exactly the same. This is gonna be easy!

B time, yo. Right off the bat, I have three that come to mind. Dumb, subtle, and jamb. Great, now I have "Burnt Jamb" by Weezer in my head. My mental IPod is on one hell of a shuffle.

From C to shining C. I'm going to say that a word like "science" fits this category (the first C in that word, of course). If you don't like that one, then any word ending in "ck" like back might appease you. Man, you're tough. If I wanted to, I could have "She Blinded Me with Science" and/or "Back in the Saddle Again" in my head, but I don't want to.

Let's hop aboard the D train and see what we find. Will you give me credit for bundt? I think that might be slightly pronounced. Hmmm. Djibouti? What do you think about words ending in "dge" like bridge or sludge? The D's still in there, isn't it? Damn, I think I may have my first open frame.

E is an easy one, I believe. "Have" is an example of a word whose vowel sound isn't changed by the E at the end. I wouldn't say "gave" because "gav" would be pronounced differently. Yeah, I'm going with "have." I have to.

F is tricky. On one hand, I could say that the second F in something like puff is effectively silent, but I feel like that's cheating. Aside from that and ones like it, I'm at a loss. Remember, I could cheat but I won't. I must keep the integrity of UOPTA intact. Melissa, BKS, and other language freaks like me - help a brother out.

Gee, we're on G already. Piece o' cake. Words like reign and feign popped out the second I started thinking of this letter. And gnarly. Can't forget gnarly. Whew, I was getting worried for a minute.

H, the letter with my least favorite pronunciation. I know that I personally don't pronounce the H in what, where, or when, or which, but I could if I wanted to. (There's actually a very funny "Family Guy" scene about that, by the way.) If you won't give me those as silent H words, I guess I'll go with rhyme instead. No one pronounces it in that word, right? Ok, here's one for sure: chords. Booyah Johnson!

I. Ay yay yay. This is a tough one. I keep trying to think of words like waiter, since it should be pronounced the same without the I but it's not. Silly English. I suppose the second I in the Nintendo Wii is unnecessary but not exactly silent. I think I'm currently stumped on this one.

J isn't any easier right off the bat. It makes a different sound in fjord but certainly isn't silent. Crap, I think I'm on a losing streak here.

Thank you, K. Just in time. This one's easy, with words like knight, knack, etc. Whew.

La la la la L-time. I know it's a strange word, but I think soldering should count for this one. After all, a "sodering gun" could be pronounced the same way, right? I feel like I'm forgetting a whole bunch of silent L words - help me out here. What about would and could? My tongue does no L action with those words at all.

M: Mnemonic. Bam!

N: Column, solemn, and damn. Oh my!

O: I don't know. The vowels are awfully tough. Even in "tough" there, I can't say that the gh would still be an F sound without the O in there because the language is so odd with those things. I'm stuck on O too I guess.

Ah yes, P. I've given this one thought before, because I like telling people, "It's P as in Pterodactyl." That gets some confused looks alright.

Q: I think the Q could technically be silent in a word like acquaintance. In fact, I'm saying it is. You wanna fight about it?

A pirate's favorite letter: R. According to my Bostonian Grandmother, Peter has a silent R at the end. I can't think of a real one right now. I'm growing weary and wondering why I started this whole thing.

S: aisle, corps (as in the Peace variety), and probably others. I'm good here.

T: I don't pronounce the T in often, but since some of you might, may I suggest rapport instead. Nailed it.

U: Another vowel. Shit. Oh, how about shoulder? I think that actually works. Yay for me.

V: I don't think I'm getting one here. Nope. Not happening.

W: Who and whole came to mind quickly here, and I'm pleased by that. Oh yeah, and two and sword, who started this whole thing.

X: Here is the one I used the disclaimer for at the beginning. I know that faux is a French word, but it's fully integrated into English as well. If it's not real fur or real pearls, we simply don't say "fake." Go ahead and argue, but I'm sticking with that one.

Y: Because we like you. I could argue that when Y is a vowel in the middle of words, it's often unnecessary. Tryst for example would sound the same as "trst" I think. However, I don't buy my own argument there and I'm going to pass on this one until I can find a better example.

Z: No way. I mean, there's a basketball player named Joel Przyzbilla (pronounced Priz-billa), so one of those Zs has to be silent. Aside from that though, I can't think of anything that should count. I'm sure there are some Polish words that have an S and a Z together in which only one is pronounced, but that's not enough. I hate going out on a tough one, but maybe that's why Z got pushed to the end to begin with. Trouble-making Z.

Ok, that's it. I have to stop thinking. If more come to mind for letters that previously stumped me, I'll post something in the comments section (probably starting with "Crap"). Please weigh in on this, whether it's helping complete the list, things that surprised you, or just to say that I'm strange for devoting this much brainpower to something like this.

Have a great day. I need a nap.

Words words words

Before I launch into a tirade or two, I inadvertently made up a bad pun while trying to think of a title for today's post: If I put my shirt down on something in an attempt to get the wrinkles out but find that it actually makes it more wrinkled, can I call it an irony board? I met get punched in the face, but yes, I suppose I could call it that.

Anyway, the picture of Steelers' coach Bill Cowher isn't here because some people think he looks like my dad, but because I needed a picture showing consternation and he came to mind. It was way easier to find a picture of him making that face than I thought it would be. In fact, it would be hard to find one of him not making a face like that. Originally, I only had one word thing that I was going to complain about, but now I have two. Depending on when actual work has to start, you might get both today. I can almost feel your excitement from here.

First, there is a phenomenon that I let slide once or twice, but now I'm fed up with. I realize someone is trying to be clever, but clever only counts when it works. I'm talking about people using numbers for letters. I first recall seeing this with the movie Seven, starring Red from Shawshank and Mr. Jolie. Here's what they did:

I remember seeing that and thinking, "Okayyyy, I see what they're trying to do there, but I don't like it." Were there enough contextual clues that I knew what word it was? Sure, but even if that makes it successful, I'm not obligated to like it. Because the 7 doesn't look like a fucking v, ok?

So time went by, and I was pleased to see that the trend hadn't continued. And then a new show was being promoted:

Sure, the number 3 looks like an E...upside down on a calculator. Again, I see what they're trying (especially since the name of the show is Numbers after all), but I think it looks stupid. They could turn it around at least so it looks like the letter it's a placeholder for. That's what The Nine on ABC did, and I'm much happier with their execution:

See? It just looks like a lower-case e if you're not paying attention to get the wordplay. Don't shove a 7 in my face and tell me that I have to use it as a v.

This all came up because I saw a new Adidas ad that asked me if I "believe in 5ive." I'm assuming if you've read this far, you'll probably know how I felt about that new campaign. The thing is, a 5 actually does resemble a letter - AN S! It looks nothing like an F. Let's try something: Can you spot the 5 in the sequence below?

FFFFFFFFF5FFFFFFFFFF

Did you find it? Nicely done, gentle reader. I know the fate of the world doesn't rest on such trivial matters as this, but it still pisses me off. What's next for these wrong-character characters? A 6 looks like a G, 1s could easily be Ls, and 8s have been spelling BOOBLESS on calculators for decades. Those are too accurate though - I'm waiting for that brave marketer to say, "Hey guys, we could use a 2 in the title of our new show, Tomorrow." "Oh," they'll say, "like 2morrow?" "No," he'll reply with an air of damn-I'm-awesome-ness, "we'll use it as the M!"

I hate that guy.

I can't write more now; I'm too fixated on wanting to beat up that TO2ORROW guy. I hate that guy.