Numb and number

Beware today! Yes, the Ides of March are upon us. The term "the ides" of something has really fallen out of favor. Does it just mean 15? If so, I'm using it from now on. "I get paid on the 1st and the ides of each month," etc. But beyond date stuff, I can use it for everything. "Yeah, he's in 10th grade, so he must be ides or 16 by now." I like it. Before I get too carried away though, let's check in with our good friends over at wikipedia.org:

"Ides may refer to: A day in the Roman calendar, that marked the approximate middle of the month, i.e., the fifteenth day in the months of March, May, July,
and October, and the thirteenth day in the other eight months. The word ides comes from Latin, meaning "half division" (of a month)."

Wait a second, not only does it not mean "fifteen," but it also makes zero sense. Let me see if I'm grasping this correctly: some of the months that have 31 days use 15 as their approximate middle. Ok, that makes sense. The other months, whether they have 31, 30, or 28 days use 13 as their approximate middle. Bullshit. 15 is the exact middle of 4 months, yet their ides is 13. I'm not happy about this un-unified ides crap, and if there were somewhere I could write
a complaint letter, it would already be on its way.

You see, this is typical. I say something trivial, get intrigued and look for more information,
then end up getting mad. Maybe I should just base things on limited, possibly incorrect information. That's always worked for people in the past, right?

This totally isn't where I thought today's post was going, but my tangent has led me to other places this morning. The world of terms for numbers. We all use terms like "dozen" with great frequency. In fact, it's popular enough that it has two spinoffs: "half-dozen" and "baker's dozen." Could bakers just not count well or were they being generous and tossing in a free cookie or
bagel? Maybe bakers introduced the concept of coupons to the world, with their whole "buy 12 get 1 free" shtick. I could look that up, but I'm finally getting less pissed off.

Other terms are known but not in most of our everyday vocabulary. The next most popular that comes to the top of my head owes its fame to Honest Abe. Yep, I'm talking about a "score" of something. It's just a cool way of saying "twenty," and I think we need to bring it back. I remember first realizing that Lincoln was unnecessarily making people do math in the Gettysburg Address, and imagining the crowd missing the next couple of lines of the famous
speech because they were busy thinking, "Ok, so a score is 20. He said four of those, so that gives us 80. And seven, right? So that makes 87 years ago. What did he say our fathers did then? I missed it; I was doing math. That's ok, the world will little note nor long remember what was said here anyway."

Next on my short list is "fathom." It means "six feet," and I'm absolutely shocked that I haven't been using this term frequently. Why? Because I'm a fathom tall when wearing shoes, and just a smidge under a fathom without. A "smidge" means "half an inch" from this point forward. Sure, they probably still use it a bunch in some field like ocean-mapping or something, but we need to bring that one back. "Hey, wanna join a Fathom and Under basketball league this fall?" Hell yes I do. "I just bought season one of 'Fathom Under' and it's really compelling!" Oh yeah, it's on.

The last major one I can think of right now is a "gross" of something. This seems pretty arbitrary to me, and I don't want to spend the time finding out why it's not. Basically, it means 144. How often can that possibly come up? I'm sure for some reason some products are ordered in grosses, but I rarely come across that specific number in my everyday life. In fact, as far as I know, my wife might use "gross" 100% of the time she refers to 144, but I still wouldn't know because it just doesn't come up. It's too bad too, because I'd like to use that term. Maybe I'll start going out of my way to use it when I normally would've said 150. That doesn't come up often either, but I won't miss the extra 6 of whatever I'm talking about.

What other terms am I missing, gentle readers? I know "fortnight" is two weeks, and that's pretty cool. Being short for "fourteen nights" though, it's almost too sensible for me to use. It would be cool though to tell someone that "We're pretty busy for the next fortnight, but maybe that following Saturday would work." Hmmmm. I know I'm missing some, so help me out.


I also want to make up some new ones. I think that'll be fun, and we can start a grass roots campaign right here to get it into the public consciousness. Email me at ptklein@gmail.com with suggestions for new terms or numbers that need terms, and I'll try to have a post about them sometime soon (hopefully within the next fortnight or score of days).

Have a great day, everyone, and tomorrow's FUF is still wide open, so email away.

Hard to quantify

Reader "Sacky Kevin" sent me a thoroughly entertaining email after a few beers on Friday night. Amongst other things, he said that when I worked with him for almost a year, we discussed the "How much is a shitload?" topic about five times. That doesn't surprise me in the slightest, and it reminded me of a similar conversation Dusty and I had years ago.

We talk about stupid things often. Let me clarify: stupid, trivial things to most people that we happen to find interesting. So one day, it came to my attention that I regularly did something that seemed contradictory to my very being. I would use "a couple" when talking about more than two things. By definition, "a couple" should just be two, yet I'd find myself saying that "I might have a couple of friends come over for the game" when it would probably be three.

By now, you probably know that I care about accuracy in somewhat trivial things. Dusty cares too, so he was the perfect person for me to discuss this issue with. (I'm sorry, I couldn't bring myself to type "with whom to discuss the issue." I know it's right, but it just sounds so haughty. I have selective grammar, so hopefully that's ok with you.) Here's a brief side story that should illustrate how Dusty thinks:

About a decade ago, we were walking around a little village of shops. One of them was a magic shop, and we started looking around. Dusty pointed to a rubber hand for use in tricks or pranks that was for sale. On the bag, it said, "So lifelike, it's incredible!" He turned to me and said, "I think they mean, 'So lifelike, it's credible!'" He was so right. Anyway, we sometimes look at things in the same way.

I told him about my incorrect use of "a couple," and he understood why I was perturbed. This led to a discussion of how much "a few" is. Could two be a few, or did "a few" have to exceed "a couple" to make sense? What about "several?" Here was my initial stance:

A = one

A couple = two

A few = three to five

Quite a few = four to seven

Several = five or more, until it becomes "many" or "lots"

I purposely had them overlap a little, before any of you fellow smart-asses point that out. This scale didn't sit well with everyone, and I wasn't sold on it myself. One friend (I believe it was Greg) stated that "several" could be as little as three to him. Even though I thought that was crazy talk, I was beginning to see that it was going to be very difficult to nail down those definitions. In the end, we decided that it was largely situational. My initial scale would still be accurate in many cases. For example, if a room has three beanbag chairs in it, I'd say there are a few. Once there are five or more in there, I'd refer to the several chairs.

Here are two examples of where my definitions don't fit: First, if there are five ants crawling across the kitchen floor, I would never say "several" in that case. There would be "a few ants" or even the incorrect "a couple." Same goes with chocolate sprinkles on a sundae. If I asked for sprinkles and there were only five of them on there, I doubt I'd use "several." "Hardly any, you cheap bastards" is probably the term I would use.

Second, if I met someone with three arms, I might say that he had "several arms," even though it flies in the face of my previous definitions. "Quite a few" would probably still work there. Could "several" ever be two? What about noses? Maybe, maybe. Tough call.

I consulted the dictionary to see if it would give me any definitive answers, and I was far from successful. What does Merriam-Webster say “a couple” is? After definitions about two people being together, it says “an indefinite small number : FEW.” I thought that would be the easy one that we could all agree on, but apparently M-W would rather leave “a couple” as an undefined number…even though they already defined it as two in previous definitions. Bastards.

The definition for “few” wasn’t helpful either: “not many persons or things.” I understand it’s hard to put a number on that, but the definition for “couple” listed “few” as a synonym, and I wouldn’t say that “not many persons or things” works for “couple” too. Then I got to what they did with “several,” and it pisses me off. I’m serious, it makes me angry. Here are definitions 2a and 2b from Merriam-Webster: “more than one” and “more than two but fewer than many.” Are you fucking kidding me? I just started to type everything that bugs me about those two definitions, but I had to stop because it was all in caps and I didn’t want you to feel like I was screaming at you. Simply, those definitions are full of shit. Whether “several” is fewer than “many” can be debated since they’re vague terms, but you simply can’t assign specific numbers if you’re going to contradict yourself three words later. Breathe in, hold it, and out. Ah.

Happy Monday, folks. I hope you have a shitload of good times this week.

Picking favorites

I've written about several things that I like and dislike over the course of my posts here. I have opinions on topics large and small, and if I can't share them here, well then I guess I can't share them anywhere. I wanted to get a little specific on some favorites today, to let you know yet more about me and the way I think.

Let's start with an easy one: sounds. Of course, the very top of the list is sappy stuff about my wife's voice, my nephew's laugh, etc., so I'll spare you and get to a less Petercentric one. I really, really like the sound of opening a new can of coffee. I clamp down the can opener, and then the moment I start to turn the thingy, there it is. Sheeeuuuuuwm. I love it. I'm sure part of it has to do with my chemical dependency on the product it's unleashing, but it's just a cool sound, not that unlike opening a new can of tennis balls or turning on a light saber. Here's the thing though: Don Francisco coffee, which we drink every morning, changed their can types recently. The last one we bought had a pull tab on a flimsy aluminum thing instead of the normal can top. I opened it up hoping to hear the same exact sound, but it was a smaller Sheeeuuuuuwm and not nearly as satisfying. I now may have to pick up tennis (or light saber battling) to get my fix.

And now onto colors: My brother is 3.5 years older than me, so naturally I liked whatever he liked. His favorite color was red, so when asked as a little boy, my favorite color was also red. "That's my favorite color," he said, "get your own." I thought about it and chose blue, and I've been very happy with that decision ever since. I've refined it a little over the years, and I now like navy blue the most. Sky blue is very pretty for certain things too, and regular blue-blue isn't bad, but I like the navy variety. The only problem I have with navy blue is that I really have to look closely to tell which is my navy suit and which is my black one. This morning even, when my wife said her pants were navy, I leaned in closer, and she added, "Trust me." That's it though - it's a solid color. Close behind it are forest green and brick red, each a strong color in their own right. My wife and my friend Dusty both like purple the most. I don't know what color Greg likes the most, but since he's partially color blind, maybe he doesn't either. Kevin still likes red after all these years, so the t-shirts I had made for his bachelor party reflected that. Do people change favorite colors after they've chosen them in their youth? Gentle readers, what say you?

And then there are numbers. Ah, numbers. How many of you remember when you chose your favorite number? I know the exact date, actually. Here's what happened: When asked my favorite number, I said it was 5, because that was my brother's favorite number. "That's my number," he said, "get your own." I told him that it was only because I was 5 years old. "So when you turn 6, will that be your favorite number?" he asked, hoping to get me to commit to a timeframe. "Yep," I said. Like any good businessman, Kevin followed through. On my 6th birthday, he approached me and asked if 6 was now my favorite number. "Yep," I said, and it was. Exactly a year later and in exactly the same tone, Kevin asked me, "So, is 7 your favorite number now?" "No," I told him, "I liked the way 6 felt." And boom, it's been 6 ever since.

My wife's favorite number is 11, and I'm not sure why (although her birth month + birth day = 11). Greg's is 7, and he's born on the 7th. Dusty's is 12, and he's born on the 12th. Dave, who lies from time to time, has three favorite numbers: 11, 13, and 77. He says they have to do with jersey numbers from hockey players when he was growing up and nothing to do with his birthday, which happens to be 11/13/77. 5 has nothing to do with Kevin's birthday, and 9 has nothing to do with my friend Jon's, but those are their numbers. I'm proud of them for branching out. 6 is my birth month, but having heard my story, I think you'll agree that that's more coincidental than anything.

Is it strange to know so many friends' favorite numbers? Maybe, but after getting sports jerseys together and playing roulette together, it was bound to happen. It's not even close to as strange as the Timberlake wannabe on American Idol last night dedicating a song to his Grandma with "I could be the one to take you home/Baby we could rock the night alone" in the lyrics.

Got stories as to why you chose your favorite numbers? Send 'em along, and maybe you'll be featured in this week's Follow Up Friday. I know, that's heavy.

Have a good Hump Day, folks, and let's meet back here tomorrow, ok?

Words words words

Before I launch into a tirade or two, I inadvertently made up a bad pun while trying to think of a title for today's post: If I put my shirt down on something in an attempt to get the wrinkles out but find that it actually makes it more wrinkled, can I call it an irony board? I met get punched in the face, but yes, I suppose I could call it that.

Anyway, the picture of Steelers' coach Bill Cowher isn't here because some people think he looks like my dad, but because I needed a picture showing consternation and he came to mind. It was way easier to find a picture of him making that face than I thought it would be. In fact, it would be hard to find one of him not making a face like that. Originally, I only had one word thing that I was going to complain about, but now I have two. Depending on when actual work has to start, you might get both today. I can almost feel your excitement from here.

First, there is a phenomenon that I let slide once or twice, but now I'm fed up with. I realize someone is trying to be clever, but clever only counts when it works. I'm talking about people using numbers for letters. I first recall seeing this with the movie Seven, starring Red from Shawshank and Mr. Jolie. Here's what they did:

I remember seeing that and thinking, "Okayyyy, I see what they're trying to do there, but I don't like it." Were there enough contextual clues that I knew what word it was? Sure, but even if that makes it successful, I'm not obligated to like it. Because the 7 doesn't look like a fucking v, ok?

So time went by, and I was pleased to see that the trend hadn't continued. And then a new show was being promoted:

Sure, the number 3 looks like an E...upside down on a calculator. Again, I see what they're trying (especially since the name of the show is Numbers after all), but I think it looks stupid. They could turn it around at least so it looks like the letter it's a placeholder for. That's what The Nine on ABC did, and I'm much happier with their execution:

See? It just looks like a lower-case e if you're not paying attention to get the wordplay. Don't shove a 7 in my face and tell me that I have to use it as a v.

This all came up because I saw a new Adidas ad that asked me if I "believe in 5ive." I'm assuming if you've read this far, you'll probably know how I felt about that new campaign. The thing is, a 5 actually does resemble a letter - AN S! It looks nothing like an F. Let's try something: Can you spot the 5 in the sequence below?

FFFFFFFFF5FFFFFFFFFF

Did you find it? Nicely done, gentle reader. I know the fate of the world doesn't rest on such trivial matters as this, but it still pisses me off. What's next for these wrong-character characters? A 6 looks like a G, 1s could easily be Ls, and 8s have been spelling BOOBLESS on calculators for decades. Those are too accurate though - I'm waiting for that brave marketer to say, "Hey guys, we could use a 2 in the title of our new show, Tomorrow." "Oh," they'll say, "like 2morrow?" "No," he'll reply with an air of damn-I'm-awesome-ness, "we'll use it as the M!"

I hate that guy.

I can't write more now; I'm too fixated on wanting to beat up that TO2ORROW guy. I hate that guy.