Beverages and other items

Good morning, and welcome again to what's sure to be a disjointed and ramble-filled post here at UOPTA. Normally I have a sense of what a post will be about a little before the whole introductory paragraph thing, but not this time. Instead, I'm going to troll through my random messages to myself about things I've either liked, disliked, or just plain noticed. Sound like fun? Let's jump right in then and see what happens.

Ah yes, found one. Shockingly, I pay careful attention to words and think about them quite often. Because of this hobby, I've come up with things that I think would be good product names. Here's the problem: I'm pretty sure that a very low number of successful products were created by name first. That is, if it's an invention, one should probably find some current problem or annoyance, address it with a new product, and then find a name for it later. Otherwise, it seems pretty backwards. That's how I roll. Here's another problem: none of these are actually good ideas. You'll see what I mean.

I was eating something, and I thought to myself, "This is good. It's even 'oh so good.' Hey, that sounds like 'oso good' ('oso' being 'bear' in Spanish). If I switched which word was in English and which was in Spanish, it would be 'bear bueno.' That's catchy. What could that work for? If I had a line of snack food, I could call it Bear Bueno. I guess I'd have to really target the Spanglish population if I wanted people to get my pun though." That's what I'm talking about.

Two others came up years ago, and through my backwards planning, they could actually work together under my same nonexistent company. First off, we have a beautiful bottle of Mockingbird brand tequila. Why? Because "Tequila Mockingbird" once popped in my head as an interesting turn of phrase. My liquor distilling plant doesn't just make Mockingbird Tequila though; we also offer Sat Down B Cider. That one's admittedly not nearly as catchy, but I can hear someone ordering "a Sat Down B and a shot of Mockingbird," and it's music to my ears.

Since I have two items for my alcohol-making company, I'm now invested in finding more. Soon, with any luck, I'll have a whole line of Play-on-Words Potables. I could have "ImaGINe" for Beatles fans (or "Sun And" gin for the Lost fans), "Whiskey Business" for prostitutes and/or Scientologists, "When In Rum," and maybe even "Scotch Ya Red-Handed." No, that's actually not where I wanted to go. Damn. You see, if ten average people saw Mockingbird Tequila on the shelf, how many would know what I was doing with that right off the bat? Very few, right? That's what I meant to do with these. I like names that seem like they're ordinary, and only when you drill down a bit do you find that there's actually some punnage going on. The only one of the list above that could work like that would be if I turned "Sun And" into "Anson." Anson Gin would be just like Mockingbird Tequila, except more convoluted. Therein lies the rub and the reason I'm not making any of these products in real life: why have the pun at all if it's not being used to draw customers in? If it's only for the satisfaction of my own wordnerdiness, then I'm better off stopping before I even start. (Aren't you glad you got to witness me arguing with myself again? This happens all the time, but I usually don't allow it to spill out of my fingers. I should just move on now.)

I've seen two things this week that pissed me off, and I'm curious to learn if they inspire your ire as well. First, I was picking up food from a kick-ass Italian place for lunch, and I noticed a new store had opened up next to it. Its name was "Linens et al." Stopping right there for a moment, hopefully that's enough for some of you to say, "Oh come on!" To that some of you: You are my people and I embrace you. Here's the conversation I imagine people having that led to that store being what it is:

Owner 1: So what do we want our store to be like?
Owner 2: I was thinking of it kinda like Linens 'n Things, but obviously not as big.
Owner 1: Hmmm, but how do we let people know that we sell the same stuff as Linens 'n Things?
Owner 2: We could totally bite off what they're doing and call ourselves "Fabrics 'n Things."
Owner 1: No, that's not close enough. What about "Linens y Mas" and just translate the last two words into Spanish?
Owner 2: I like the way you think. But that might sound like we're only targeting the Hispanic clients. Do you know any French?
Owner 1: No. Hey, Latin always sounds serious and established. Isn't "et al" something like "'n Things?"
Owner 2: I think it's "and others," but that's close enough for me. We're so fucking cool.
Owner 1: Yeah we are. High five!
Owner 2: (slaps hands with Owner 1) Ah, that was fun. Hey, "Bed, Bath, y Mas" might work, right?

I'm pretty sure it went down just like that, and my goat is sufficiently gotten by that. The second thing that pissed me off was when I went to the website for the reputable and top-of-mind news organization, CNN. For the last little while, they've had a little camera icon next to the stories that have video components. This week though, I noticed a new and puzzling icon: a t-shirt. "Why the hell would the have a t-shirt there?" I wondered, probably aloud. So I clicked on it. To my amazement, I went to a page that showed me that headline on a t-shirt that I could purchase for $15 plus $5 S&H. Yes, I could buy that CNN headline on a t-shirt that says I saw that headline on CNN for $20. While that would normally piss me off to a certain extent, I grew much more frustrated when I went back to the main site and saw the same icon next to "Copter Crash Caught by Security Camera." Are you as appalled as I am by this? Here's my level of appallment: I wrote a strongly-worded email to their customer service department. It takes a lot for me to go there, but I was moved. Here's what I wrote:

To Whom it May Concern:
I go to cnn.com on a daily basis, but if the site continues moving in its apparent direction, I'm afraid that's going to have to stop. What offended me so much? It's not the "important news" of Star Jones filing for divorce, nor is it the fact that a mainstream news site appears to have "Young People Who Rock" as an entire category of news. Rather, it's this whole shirt nonsense. Want to throw years and years of credibility away? It's easy, just let your audience click the t-shirt icon next to "Copter Crash Caught by Security Camera." $20 later, they can proudly wear your headline of injury and possible death on their chests. With your logo clearly emblazoned on the front, everyone will know who had neither the taste nor common sense to stop that from happening. CNN.com can't make more than $5 per transaction on these, and I can't imagine transactions numbering any higher than 100 a day. Is that really worth your credibility? Also, is there a process to determine which headlines are shirt-worthy? If not, I hope you're prepared to see some sick individuals wearing news of tragedies around with your company name and logo all over it. Please let me know that this Beta test won't be getting out of that phase. CNN is better than that, and I doubt I'm alone in my discomfort over that poor choice. Thank you for your time.

I'll let you know if I get a response to that. I hope I do, but if not, I'll settle for a lack of t-shirt icons in the near future.

Lastly, before I launch into the fascinating Car Watch section, I wanted to follow up on something I wrote sometime in the past month or two. I mentioned the word "upholster," and said that it was the only word I could think of in which "ph" wasn't used as an "f" sound. I asked you, my faithful readers, if there were others I was missing. I got no responses, so I felt pretty good about my proclamation. And then, yesterday, I used the word "haphazard" in a sentence. And then there were two.

Okeedokee, let's watch cars in the brilliantly named...Car Watch!

I saw a plate that made the 15 year-old boy who has a timeshare in my brain laugh hysterically. It read, "3TTS123." Ya know, I'm just gonna assume that that joke tells itself and stop there for this item. (And yes, I just giggled again writing the plate out.)

My homey Rockabye saw a plate that read, "FAMOUSG." I texted him back asking if it was Snoop Dogg. "No. Kenny," he replied. Damn, he got me there. That's such a touche that it's almost a threeche.

Lastly, I saw a plate that first confused me and then disturbed me. It said, "(Heart) TUB MOM." I spent a minute trying to figure out what a tub mom might be, and I was coming up empty. I did what I normally do with plates when they confuse me, and I looked at it backwards. As soon as I thought, "Mom...but...love" in my head, I immediately stopped thinking about that plate all together and went to my happy place instead.

Ok, friends and friends of friends, that's the meat of this rambling post. We have a big week ahead of us. Tomorrow, our friends Candice and Scott get married in what's sure to be a lovely ceremony, Wednesday is my adoring Grandma Mu's birthday, and Thursday is May Day, Labor Day in Mexico, Holocaust Remembrance Day, and our friend Jesse's birthday. Are you guys ready to handle all of that? Have a wonderful weekend and week, my peeps, and I'll see you in May. As always, I'm looking for material, so please send anything that pops into your head to ptkein@gmail.com. Shaloha.