Parting words

Happy New Year, everyone. We're in the final year of whatever historians will call this decade, and I hope it's a good one. I like today's date in particular (1/2/09) because it sounds like a little kid trying to count to ten. They get much better at it over time, thankfully. So welcome, and I hope you all had pleasant New Year's Eves and Days. How am I going to start us off this year? With random crap, of course.

Way back in 2008, I was writing about similes that people use to describe a state or emotion. We went through "sick as a dog," "hot as hell," etc. But like Mark McGwire, I'm not here to talk about the past. Rather, I'm here to build on that by branching into a related category for a paragraph or two.

I'll start with a story. My senior year of high school, I was lying on my bed when my phone rang...

Phone: Ring. Ring.
Peter: Hello?
Alissa: Hey.
Peter: Hey, what's up?
Alissa: The opposite of down, why do you ask?
Peter: That's funny! Wait, hold on, I got another call.
(Peter adeptly pushes the flash button.) Hello?
Jon: Hey, what's up?
Peter: The opposite of down, why do you ask?
Jon: That's funny!
Peter: I know! I just learned it two seconds ago. Can I call you back?
Jon: Sure.
(Peter once again successfully finds and utilizes the flash button.)
Peter: You'll never guess what just happened.

And...scene.

It's very rare that I hear a new line or joke that I like and get to use it within five seconds of learning it, so I was thoroughly pleased with that entire encounter. The "Why do you ask" part really seems like something that would be in Airplane! or Real Genius to me, so I guess it's no shock that I enjoyed it.

That story was meant to introduce this category that I don't yet have a name for. Maybe when I explain some more examples we'll come to an agreement. Example number one: "I'm out like trout." Hmmm. I don't get it. Sure, I suppose if one is eating trout then it is out of the water. But I think it's just the first rhyming word someone could come up with and it stuck for some reason. I'm out like stout makes just as much sense, considering it comes out of a tap or a bottle, right? Grout...not so much. That's pretty "in" if you ask me. I'm out like spout almost works, since a spout is the facilitator for things coming out of a pipe. It's not quite there though. I'm out like my bottom lip when I pout works in theory but is too cumbersome. Ooh, I'm out like drought makes sense, even if it's somewhat depressing. One thing's for sure, the phrase "out and about" is looking much better to me than it did before I started this paragraph.

Before I get to the next example, it's Random Spanish Fun Fact Loosely Based on the Preceding Paragraph time! I'd be pleased as punch (which is, I'm assuming a reference to the drink and not the violent act) to have at least one RSFFLBPP per post, but I know that's just a pipe dream. Anyway, how many of you know the Spanish word for "fish"? Of those who mentally answered affirmatively, how many of you said, "Pescado"? Well, you're partially correct. A live fish, swimming happily in some body of water is "un pez." The not-live fish, sitting on your plate is "un pescado." Why the difference? Funny you should let me ask for you. The verb "to fish" is "pescar." The past participle and modifying version of that is "pescado." Therefore, the fish you're about to eat is literally "fished," which I find both stunningly accurate and amusing.

Moving on, folks. The next example is one that makes me fight with myself a little: "I'm off like a prom dress." On one hand, it's amusing. On that same hand, it's factually accurate since I imagine everyone who puts a prom dress on eventually takes it off at some point. On that pesky other hand though, it totally doesn't reflect any of the three proms I went to. Maybe this is just sour grapes and I'd be best served to move along.

Here's my favorite of all of these examples. While playing poker with a group of friends once, the bet went around to my buddy Dave. As he tossed his cards into the center of the table, he said, "I fold like a cheap hooker who's been punched in the balls." We all looked up at him quizzically. "That's why she's cheap," he added. He had a point.

I tend not to use these phrases in my everyday speech, mainly because I'd like to find a good one that amuses people who haven't heard it but doesn't annoy those who have a few dozen times. I've tried, "I'm out like the opposite of in," borrowing heavily from Alissa's line, but it's cumbersome and, well, pretty stupid. (And I only use that one if I accidentally start a sentence with, "I'm out like" instead of ending it after "out.") So what should we call this group of phrases? Out-lines? Parting puns? Simileaves?

I have a couple more random items before I get to the first Car Watch of the year. First, does anyone else think it's odd that "homeboy" and "houseboy" are so different? I mean, one is clearly a peer in the eyes of the speaker while the other is clearly subservient. I'd have a hard time answering if a non-native English speaker asked me why that was the case.

And lastly, while somewhat on the topic of languages and their uses, I wish to discuss a hobby that apparently has a language all of its own: chess. Every Sunday, I do the crossword puzzle in the LA Times. During that time, I'll read over the stupid advice column and check out the poker article (which replaced the bridge one some time ago). After I'm done, I'll take a stab at the tough Sudoku. That leaves just one thing on the page: the chess column. It's one thing to give detailed accounts of who won what tournament. I can understand that part. But then they get into the actual game play, and it never ceases to amaze me. To quote the 12/28/08 article:

White could make progress by 31 Re2 h4 32 gxh4 Bxh4 33 Qc4. 29 e4! fxe4 30 Nxe4 Nxe4 31 Bxe4 Qd6 32 Bg2 Threatening 33 Qf5. Qd7 33 Qd2 Kg7? Correct is 33...Re8!

I didn't make up the punctuation or the bold parts, mind you. Of course it all means something, telling us which piece moved to which place and what the outcome of that move was. But it's amusing to me that there are parts of a chess match that are described with not just an exclamation or a question mark, but "??" and "!?" too. Like clockwork, I'll turn to my lovely wife at some point on a Sunday and say, "Hey honey, 53 Rd2?? Qe4+ 54 Kd1 Qb1+ 53 Ke1!" I'll make sure she knows exactly where the question marks and exclamations are by my reading, which I'm sure she appreciates.

And now, as promised, let's watch the ball drop on over to the Car Watch.

My homey Rockabye sent me this license plate report: "FSHNDPC. DPCFSHN probably taken." I'm glad he added that last part, because it would've taken me a while otherwise to figure out what it meant. Fish in da pack? F's hand pc? Nope, based on the latter part of his email, it's gotta be either "Fishin' deep sea" or the command, "Fish in deep sea." Even though I don't like being told what to do, I prefer the command one because it makes more sense. The "Fishin' deep sea" one is just a lazy attempt to get something across when it's already been taken by someone else. It's like putting "SK8 ROLR" on a plate. Come to think of it, I bet that's taken.

On the far other end of the spectrum, I saw this plate: "K CU LTR." You see what they did there? They took the limited space afforded to them on the plate and created a full-on sentence. Maybe they wanted "L8R" instead of "LTR," but they found a way to still make it work without destroying the message that was important enough in the first place that they wanted it on their car. Nicely done, fellow Angelino.

Lastly, this one just made me smile. "ELLO M8," it said. "Ello to you too," I replied. Then I waited, but no further conversation occurred. I guess there's nothing wrong with just saying hello, but by calling me his or her mate, I assumed we were friends. I tend to say more than just hello (with a dropped H) to my friends, but maybe that's just me. If the driver is Australian, all is forgiven since s/he found a way to greet us while specifying nationality. Conditional kudos to you, possibly Australian sir or madam.

That's it for me. I'm out like the starters in an NBA game when it's a rout. Yeah, that one totally nailed it. Happy Birthday tomorrow to Sacky Kevin. Happy Half-Birthday to America on Sunday, and Happy Half-Birthday to my favorite nephew Shawn on Monday (making him the big 3.5). Happy New Year again to all of you, and I'll be back next Friday with more of whatever the hell it is I do here. If you'd like to write me for any reason at all, ptklein@gmail.com is the vital piece of information you'll need in order to be successful in that endeavor. Take care, friends.