Choice word choice

Good morning, everyone, and I hope you're all doing well. A year ago, I suggested that we all call today Information Day going forward since the date is 4/11. I've held up my side of the suggestion, have you? Great. So Happy Information Day to one and all. May the hours that pass reveal insight and knowledge to you and yours. What a great holiday!

Ok folks, it's time to do what I have to do every once in a while: complain about word things that bother me. It's in my blood, and I can't fight it. There are just too many poor choices out there for me to sit idly by as my blood boils. Thank you for allowing me to vent in this space; I think it might actually be healthy for me.

First off, my favorite brother called me a little while ago after hearing a particular song by Sublime on the radio. The song is called "Annie," and I'll give you a sampling of lyrics:

"Annie's 12 years old, in two more she'll be a whore."
"Don't be afraid of the quickness you get laid, for your family get paid."
"Strong if I can, but I am only a man, so I take her to the can."
"The only family that she's ever had is her seven horny brothers and her drunk-ass dad. He needed money so he put her on the street."

"Wanna shoot your dad."

Good song, no? It's highly questionable content by all accounts, but I have no problem with them putting it on the radio if the powers that be allow it. Here's my problem: of all of those lyrics above, guess what's being bleeped out now. Go ahead, re-read them and meet me back here. Ready? "Drunk-ass dad." Not just "ass," but the entire phrase. That's right, folks, child prostitution and a hint of incest is fine, but let's make sure there's no reference to drinking (gasp) alcohol. This bugs me. It's almost as aggravating as when people bleep out the "hole" in "asshole," and that's really saying something. (By the way, I just read this paragraph again and "child prostitution and a hint of incest" sounds almost like a recipe. I thought of changing "hint" to "sprig" to complete the effect but ultimately concluded that it would be in bad taste. Whew, that was close.)

My dad received an email from someone and it deserves a mention in this space because of its sheer awesomeness. The specifics aren't necessary, but just know that the writer is supposed to be a professional in his industry. It was full - nay, chock full - of errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation. My personal favorite part of the email was when the gentleman wanted to write the word "needs." It's a fairly common word, right? He managed to mess it up in three separate ways. What do I mean? Well, he wrote, "It Ned's to replace." Thus, there is an incorrect capitalization, a misspelling, and an uncalled for apostrophe (since it's not possessive). That's hard to do! Seriously folks, three distinct errors in a five-letter word is almost worth commending. At the very least, I found it worth sharing with you all. Hopefully you get even a fraction of the excitement that I did from that gaffe.

I saw a commercial on tv that pissed me off a little. Naturally, I turn to you. It's an ad for AMPM, and it shows a guy who has a new job, new office, stacks of cash, and a private butler. "You can never have too much good stuff," it tells us. Immediately following that statement, the announcer says, "AMPM. Too much good stuff." What? I thought you just said that I can never have that? It's the equivalent of having an ad that says, "Flying donkeys don't exist. AMPM. Flying Donkeys." Yes, that's an extreme example (because who needs that many asses up in the air? Don't answer that.), but the point is basically the same. Someone in the boardroom needed to speak up and say, "I don't think we should negate the possibility of what we're trying to sell" or even "I'm not sure that makes any sense." Espn.com's Bill Simmons says that all sports franchises should have a VP of Common Sense to review trades and other transactions before they're finalized. I think companies selling things on tv should have that position available too, and I'm just the man for it. I'd be the one to ask, "Why are there diagonal grill marks on the crunch wrap when we show it coming off a grill with vertical bars?" And I'd be there to mention that it might not be a good idea to make a commercial centering on the theme of sexual harassment when you're selling hot dogs and saying "wiener" several times. "Hmmm, excellent point, Mr. Vice President," they'd say. "You deserve yet another raise this week." "You're damn right I do," I'd reply, but with a little smile so they wouldn't be sure if I was being real cocky or faux cocky. ("Faux cocky" is fun to say. It could easily be a Japanese appetizer if it were spelled "fokaki," don't you think? "Yeah, we're gonna start with some edamame, two miso soups, and an order of fokaki please. Can we get that well done?")

Last rant of the day: The gas station closest to our house has one of the drive-through car washes. (I realize "drive-thru" is universally accepted now, but I just can't bring myself to write that. It's like "nite" and "lite," which I tend to only use in proper nouns. Do those things bug anyone else but me?) The sign advertising this particular car wash proudly says "Touchfree" on it. That's it, just "Car Wash. Touchfree." To me, that's not a plus when talking about washing someone's car. "We're going to make your car clean and shiny...but we won't even come close to touching it." Here's how I know I'm not crazy with this issue: this car wash's competitors advertise by blatantly telling us that they're going to touch our cars. "Hand Wash" is a big selling point, and there's no way to separate touching from that scenario. The only other reason I can see them putting that on there is in a sheepish manner, as if to say, "We know that hand washes are better, but if you want a decent job, ours is here too. Sorry. Touchfree." I sincerely doubt that's the case, but I don't have other scenarios in which that makes sense. (And yet one more parenthetical grievance: I realize that I make up a lot of words here so I can't really complain, but "Touchfree" just doesn't do it for me. Can't they at least mix in a hyphen or something?)

Ok, before we get to the Car Watch section (not to be confused with the preceding Car Wash item), here's one use of words of which I wholeheartedly approve: My loving mother-in-law saw a t-shirt for a school of engineering. On it, it said, "Talk nerdy to me." Way to embrace your social status, man. There's no need for pretense there, and I'm glad you agree.

And now, as it has been prophesized in the annals of our forefathers, it's time for Car Watch.

I saw a plate that said, "CRAVIN U." Me? Really? I mean, I'm honored and everything, but don't you think this is a bit rushed? We've only known each other for, well, two seconds. I understand I'm dreamy and all, and while it's truly flattering, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pass. Please redirect your crave elsewhere, kind sir or madam.

My homey Rockabye saw a bumper sticker that I'm pretty sure I've seen before, but that doesn't make it any less blogworthy: "Save the planet...we need a place to boogie." I really can't find any fault with that logic. Oh sure, there are more important reasons to keep Earth alive, but until there's proof that we can boogie on the moon or Mars, it looks like we're relegated to our standard Earth boogie.

My dad saw a license plate and called me about it. It was a very nice car driven by a woman dressed up in all sorts of jewelry and fancy shmancy attire. Her plate read, "RAT BCH." He asked me what that could be besides "Rat Bitch," and I was at a total loss. If I'd heard of such a location as Rat Beach, that would be a viable option, but thankfully I'm unaware of said place. Could it be referring to a "rat batch" used in an experiment or clinical trials? I don't think so. I believe she is The Rat Bitch, and I'm surprisingly untroubled by that.

Lastly, I saw a plate and stared at it for a few moments (I wasn't driving). It said, "CATS CVY." I assumed off the bat that the woman driving the car was named something that had Cat as a nickname. It was the second part that was troubling me. Was it telling me that Cat is curvy? Was "covey" a word? I went through a few options before I noticed that the car was a Chevy. "No," I thought, "please don't let it be that." I was distressed that "Chevy" could be the final answer, so I went back to wracking my brain over what else it could be. I didn't want "Chevy" to win, because Cat did a horrible job leading me to that conclusion, and if I got there without her help, then her plate was successful. (Yes, I actually view the world like that sometimes.) After a few more minutes of thinking of every possible vowel sound and potentially missing consonants, I gave up and let "Cat's Chevy" be the true meaning. The H is so important to that word! How could she expect us to know what the hell she's trying to convey if she's not going to accurately represent 50% of the words in the statement? You're on my shitlist, Cat, for crimes against the plate. I hope you're happy.

Ok, I've spewed enough vitriol for the week. Happy Anniversary tomorrow to our dear friends Lisa and Paul. I'll always remember their wedding date since it's similar to ours. We were married on 3/21/04, and they were on 4/12/03. Isn't that just adorable? (Yes, folks, it is.) Have a great weekend and week, everybody, and I'll see you back here next Friday. In the meantime, please remember to write to ptklein@gmail.com with anything at all. Take care, friends.