Take me out

Good morning, friends, and welcome to the penultimate April 2008 offering here at UOPTA. I've said this before, but every single time I refer to you as "friends," I can't help but think of legendary Dodger announcer Vin Scully. He calls us that too, and I really think he means it (not to infer that I don't). In any case, I went to my first Dodger game of the season earlier this week, and I had a grand old time. It was me, my friend Greg, and my parents, and we had some kick ass seats between home and third. Before heading out for the game, I decided to jot down some predictions that I had. I'll launch into other random crap later on, but first I'd like to go through them one by one and report how accurate or inaccurate I was.

Prediction: "I will leave earlier than I said I would." The plan was for me to leave my office at 5:30 and pick up Greg from his work near the stadium.

Reality: Wrong. Normally, I would convince myself that it takes five minutes to walk to my car, five minutes to put an address in the GPS, and five minutes to put on my seatbelt. This time, though, I got caught up in work stuff and actually left at 5:30 on the dot. Damn, I was pretty confident about that one.

Prediction: "Traffic will seem really bad at first, but I'll actually make pretty good time."

Reality: Wrong. Traffic sucked my ass. I should've known better than to tempt the traffic gods in such a manner.

Prediction: "I'll get a little lost finding Greg, but it'll work out just fine."

Reality: Wrong. Thanks to my GPS (who I named HoBot 5000, by the way) and several calls to Greg during the final stretch of the drive, I got there without incident. It did work out fine, so I got that part right, but I'd say I've started off 0 for 3. Nice job, me.

Prediction: "Traffic from his place will be bad, but we'll get there early."

Reality: Doubly wrong! It was a breeze getting to the stadium after picking him up, but the initial drive took so long that we arrived as the National Anthem was being butchered. As a side note, Greg and I heard the song as we were making our way into the stadium and cringed repeatedly at how awful the woman sounded. I wouldn't say that either of us has a fine musical ear, but this was really something. Later, I was shocked to learn that the voice belonged to Chaka Khan. I assumed it was some contest winner or Teacher of the Year candidate and not a well-known artist. Score one for studio magic, I guess.

Prediction: "My parents will already be there."

Reality: I got one right! Not only were they there, but they were early enough that they'd already purchased and eaten their food.

Prediction: "I'll get a Dodger Dog and a Jumbo Dog, almost dropping one when I try putting ketchup on them."

Reality: Yes and no. I feel a little awkward about this one since it was completely in my hands whether I wanted to fulfill it or not. I did indeed get a Dodger Dog and a Jumbo Dog, but I didn't almost drop either one. I almost dropped the garlic fries Greg and I shared, but that doesn't count for much. Speaking of "much," my mom almost had a heart attack when she learned that my beer cost $11. "You could've bought two six packs for $11," she said. I kept egging her on, telling her that the foam that spilled was worth fifty cents, etc. Good times.

Prediction: "The Dodgers will stop sucking and lead 4-0 after 2 innings."

Reality: Not quite. They looked like crap after two innings, trailing 1-0 and having walked three straight batters. Uh oh.

Prediction: "Andruw Jones will hit a homerun, making Greg happy. Nady will have two ground outs and a strikeout, making me unhappy (but happy for the Dodgers)." This is in reference to our fantasy baseball teams. Xavier Nady is on the Pirates, so that's why I thought his failures would be good for the home team.

Reality: Jones didn't hit a homerun, but still went 2-3 and made Greg happy. Nady struck out once and went 1-3. Basically, I was off on this one too.

Prediction: "We'll leave after the top of the 8th, with the Dodgers up 4-2."

Reality: Half right! We left after the top of the 8th inning, just as I had foreseen. However, the Dodgers were up 9-2 when we left our seats, and up 10-2 before we got out of the stadium. Oh me of little faith.

prediction: "On the way back to Greg's, they'll blow the lead and lose 6-4."

Reality: Oh me of very little faith, apparently. Not only did they not blow the lead, but after tacking on another run, they retired the Pirates in order for an easy 9th. Final score, Dodgers 11, Pirates 2.

Prediction: "I'll get home to find a sleeping wife and dog and debate watching American Idol on fast forward before climbing into bed. I won't though."

Reality: I suck at predictions. While my lovely wife was in bed, she had not yet fallen asleep. I chatted with her and pet my very awake dog for a few minutes before getting into bed and reading a bit. I didn't consider watching Idol since I got a nice recap from Amber.

To conclude, I have now done two of these prediction posts and been heavily inaccurate both times. I think I can officially cross "psychic" off my list of potential careers. Oh well, it was a fun exercise nonetheless. And now, some random crap:

As you may know, I care a lot about words and word choice. I can't help but look at things with an editing eye, and that often leads to unnecessary frustration. I saw something last week though that made me think (uh oh). It was a print ad for a pendant, and it made reference to a "complementary necklace." I was intrigued, mainly because I had no way of knowing if that was an error or not. If they meant that the necklace complemented the pendant well, then they were absolutely correct. If they meant that it was free, however, then they should've spelled it "complimentary" instead. Both make sense, but the writer meant only one of them at the time of writing the copy. I find that kind of thing interesting, and I doubt I'll ever have that same word conundrum with "stationary" and "stationery." (Hmmm, I just inadvertently challenged myself. Let's see: "Despite all of the chaos throughout the years, that filing cabinet always held stationery." I think that does the trick.)

I have another story to tell about the Dodger game, but this one has nothing directly to do with sports. In the latter part of the game, Greg, my dad, and I went to get some decaf coffees and some Cracker Jacks. Even though I know they're often stupid, I was looking forward to the prize inside. As my mom and I discussed, the prizes used to be little plastic toys or mazes with a ball bearing inside. After a while, they switched to the temporary tattoos, and I liked those a lot as a kid. Sure, they never worked as well as they should've, but it was still fun to have a barely-intelligible picture on my arm. Maybe it was wrong of me to have any expectation as I opened up the little packet that said "Surprise Inside," but I was looking for something at least mildly entertaining. Instead, I got the stupidest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. Ok, maybe that's a little extreme; you be the judge. It's a picture that looks like three yellow lines with six cartoon ants walking on it (three on each side). On the page facing this confusing picture, it says, "Pencil Topper. To use your pencil topper, just detach the prize and insert a pencil through the slits as shown below." As promised, there's a diagram of a piece of paper and a pencil going through it. Let's review the facts of the case: First, I learned that "pencil toppers" exist. Second, I learned that "pencil toppers" don't actually go on the top of the pencil, but rather more along the shaft, if you will. Third, somebody thought that the pencil-topper-seeking population would want to "top" their pencils with ants. Ants with hands. Who wear shoes. Is it the "stupidest fucking thing" yet? How about this? The last little page tells us something purported to be a Fun Fact: "A typical pencil can write 45,000 words." Oh really? That statistic means absolutely nothing to me. Can said pencil typically write "a" 45,000 times or "desafortunadamente" 45,000 times? If this were a word problem on an exam, the answer would be, "D. There is not enough information in the question to determine the answer." F you, Cracker Jack.

Ok, I need to go from boil to simmer. How should I accomplish that feat? But of course, with Car Watch! (Roll the intro. Damn, still no intro? I gotta work on that.)

On the way to this almost now-infamous Dodger game, I saw a license plate frame worth mentioning. At first, I just saw the bottom: "Fuck Bitches." Naturally, I was intrigued. There was traffic, but my lane's time came, and I caught up to the curious car. On the top of the frame, it said, "Get Money." Is that some sort of gangsta rap if/then statement? Here's the weird part (in case that's not weird yet): It was a woman driving. To me, there are only two possible explanations. First, she's a lesbian and finds that earning revenue is a good way for her to have sexual intercourse with her fellow woman. Second, the car belongs to a man with whom she is acquainted. Not to get all Helen Reddy on you, but wouldn't that frame be a deal-breaker for most women to ride in, let alone drive themselves? I would have a problem driving someone's car that said something that degrading about women, and I don't have the same personal stake in it. Readers, are you with me on this one or am I being over sensitive because of my years in Student Affairs?

Sticking to one of the themes in that last item, I was behind a car and saw from a bit of a distance a bumper sticker that said "Rainbows" in big, rainbowy letters. I got closer, and saw that entire text: "I'm not gay, I just really like RAINBOWS!" It's not often that you get someone's stylistic and sexual preferences in one bumper sticker, so bravo, Showy McStraightperson.

Last but not least, my homey Rockabye saw a plate that read, "NOFLR4U." Now what exactly are we being denied there? Flower? Flour? A floor? A flare? Fleur Delacour from the Harry Potter books? I really want to know, because I can't just call this person the Fill-in-the-Blank Nazi. What is it that you won't let me have? I want to know! Explain yourself!

Ok, I'm getting agitated again. Let's end with some happies. Happy Birthday today to my friend and former colleague Lindsey. She's cool; you guys would like her. Also, we have a busy week ahead of us. Whether you celebrate Passover or not, may the angel of death keep moving past your door this weekend. Tuesday is my favorite sister-in-law Weezie's birthday, so she deserves this pre-emptive shout out. And Wednesday is Administrative Professionals Day (no apostrophe after the S? That really confuses me.), so for all of you who professionally administer things, knock yourselves out. Have a great weekend and week, folks, and please email me at ptklein@gmail.com with anything about anything. Shaloha.